SAM DONALDSON'S HAIR INTERVIEWS DON KING'S MANSERVANT
by Sam Donaldson's Hair

	Pedro, Don King's manservant stands attentive on a chair during our interview with him.

Since Easymidget was established in 1987 we’ve been trying to score an exclusive interview with Don King, the man who brought you the ‘Thrilla in Manila’ and the ‘Rumble in the Jungle’.

Unfortunately, Mr. King has adamantly refused to be interviewed by what he calls a ‘third rate website that only comes out with new content once a week’. (For the record, Easymidget comes out with new content once a month, and even then only if we haven’t gone binge drinking in Tijuana.)

Anyway, while Mr. King wouldn’t be interviewed, we did manage to lure his personal manservant to a Starbucks coffee shop in a run-down strip-mall in suburban Pittsburgh.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: Thanks for meeting me on such short notice. Are you sure you don’t want some coffee? The Jamaican Blue Mountain Dark Roast infused with alfalfa and bee-pollen extracts for $16 is pretty good.

Pedro, Don King’s manservant: No thanks. The caffeine reacts with my lithium.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: Yeah?

Pedro, Don King’s manservant: I drool. And I bark.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: Yes, well, that’s just the sort of thing we’re looking for here at Easymidget. The entire February 1991 issue was dedicated to drool. In honor of Ronald Reagan’s 80th birthday, you see.

Dong King does not obfuscate.

Pedro, Don King’s manservant: Mmmmm. In that case, I’ll take a Triple Caramel Latte, extra latte, and a latte on the side.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: Understand, son, I am authorized to reimburse you only for the first two lattes.

Editors’ note: At this point the interview stopped for a few minutes as an unpaid intern hustled for Pedro’s coffee. (We are really proud of our unpaid interns and all that they do for us, especially on payday when we don’t pay them.)

Sam Donaldson's Hair: Okay, let’s talk all things Don King. In 1954, while running an illegal gambling house, Mr. King killed Hillary Brown in what was later ruled self-defense. In 1955, he was arrested for arson. In 1959, he was arrested under suspicion of being a drug dealer. In 1963, he was caught carrying a concealed weapon. How can you work for a guy like this?

Pedro, Don King’s manservant: I don’t know. It’s not so bad. I bathe his mother. I pick up Burger King take-out when he wants it. Usually I just lay around the house.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: But did you know, Pedro, that in 1966, your employer, Mr. Don King, was convicted of negligent manslaughter for stomping and pistol-whipping Sam Garrett to death, for which he received 3 ½ years in prison?

Editors’ note: At this point Don King and an entourage of washed up fighters showed up. Sam Donaldson’s Hair and Pedro the manservant were taken into the public restroom and beaten and probed with a plunger for forty harrowing minutes.

Don King’s only public statement about the incident is the following: “Don King is not malevolent, he’s benevolent, always relevant, and super-intelligent! The Don King experience is intoxicating, stimulating, and exhilarating! Don King doesn’t obfuscate, ignominiously prevaricate or unscrupulously denigrate! You want Don King, you need Don King, you love Don King!

Sam Donaldson’s Hair has fully recovered from the attack and is back on the job, recently doing an interview with Bill Clinton, showing just how desperate the former president is for attention.

Pedro is recovering from his rectal injuries at an undisclosed location.