TOWN TO ADD KOOL-AID TO DRINKING WATER
by Gurn Blandston

As many towns are fighting over whether or not to add fluoride to the public drinking supply, a new more apropos debate has arisen.

Many argue: "If we're going to add fluoride to our drinking water then we might as well add Kool-Aid to the water so it tastes better. Water is so tasteless and bland."

The lobby is for trace amounts of Kool-Aid to be present in the water. Representative Jim Jones from Jonestown, Guyana states "I'm not talking about bright-red fruit punch coming out of your tap. If you want to do that, then buy your own dang soda fountain. This is about trace amounts of Kool-Aid, subtle enough to offer a hint of fruity flavor detectable to only the most discerning taster much like a raspberry spritzer."

	Local residents have conjured up a flavor fervor and have seperated into two camps.

Mayor Elroy Johnson is also in favor of the flavoration but thinks its more complicated than you would believe. "Its not as easy as just saying 'Let's do it,' I mean think about the mechanics of this operation. Once we dump 11 tons of Kool-Aid mix into the town water supply and 3 tons of sugar (using the official corporate Kool-Aid recipe) how the hell are we going to stir it? That's one huge-ass-motherfuckin' wooden spoon." Obviously Mayor Johnson is jesting as realistically all 7500 members of the town would have to get together and wade in the water to make a giant whirlpool like you do in above ground pools to stir up the mixture.

Another question arises from this debate: Sure you add Kool-Aid to the water, but what flavor? "Basically, whatever flavor we choose we're going to be stuck with for at least seven years. There's no sense adding a new flavor in on top of that base flavor because we all know that mixing different kinds of Kool-Aid tastes like shit."

Kool-Aid man visits the town elementary school to give kids valuable information on the benefits of Kool-Aid.

After a massive brawl in the town square it was decided that a public vote would be needed to decide whether it be cherry or blue raspberry. The main detractor to the raspberry camp being the fact that blue raspberry makes your tongue turn blue to which they replied "Who the fuck cares it tastes good."

Local rednecks have donned new stickers for their trucks showing comic strip character Calvin peeing on the cherry flavor or vice versa on the blue raspberry if you are in support of cherry.

Make no mistake, by adding Kool-Aid to the water you open up the floodgates for a plethora of other civil groups who want to add things to the water. For instance, The National Gardening Society which wants to add weedkiller to the water to save the trouble of having to use pesticides in the spring and summer when watering lawns.

Either way, its going to make your tap more exciting than what it really is: boring old water, the essential ingredient for life.