THE LOVEDOCKTER IS IN...
by Herbie Sweet, The Lovedockter

The Lovedockter himself- Herbie Sweet

My dear friends, the path to a righteous and fulfilling life is right around the corner. Sometimes we need a little help from our friends. That's why I'm here for you— the Lovedockter.

As many of you know it is my wish for the entire world to be at peace for this coming year. I hope you'll join me in playing Neil Diamond's "America" at precisely midnight when the ball drops and sing along in harmony. This, I'm quite sure, is the solution for world peace. Now, on to your letters of lovelorn dysfunction...

Dear Lovedockter,
I am being stalked for the third time in two years. As usual he looks like a troll. Why can’t I ever seem to get a good-looking stalker?

Victoria G.
South Yuba City, NM

You see, Victoria, stalkers are ugly by definition. When they are handsome we call it courting. It’s sort of like how rich people are eccentric but poor people are just plain crazy.

Dear Lovedockter,
When I met my girlfriend several years ago at a White Castle in San Antonio she weighed in at a substantial 190 pounds, most of it in her crazy jungle booty. She was mid-way through a bucket of twenty ‘sliders’ when I approached and made my move. It was lust at first sight. Since then, however, she has gone on an all-grapefruit diet that has left her looking like some Third World child on a Sally Struthers commercial (without the flies, of course).

Rashaun M.
San Antonio, TX

As longtime readers of this column will recall, the Lovedockter has been a big advocate of extreme dieting and bulimia, mainly because the Lovedockter believes obese people cannot and should not have a sense of self worth. Strangely, every now and again, the Lovedockter receives a letter from some oddball talking about how he likes women with womanly curves. As if this were the Middle Ages. It is simple, emaciated girls between the ages of 18 and 21 are the ideal of beauty; all others are disgusting.

Dear Lovedockter,
Last June I was at a urinal in the bathroom of a Burger King when a guy sidled up to the urinal next to me. Then something happened that changed every day I have lived since that moment. He set a Whopper with cheese (without the wax paper foil) on top of his urinal and did his business. When he was done he flushed the toilet and with the same hand picked up his big greasy burger and took a bite. I vomited on my shoes. I have not been the same since. I cannot sleep, eat or make love to my beautiful wife. Help!

Mickey D.
Andover, MD

The Lovedockter is a vegetarian so even catching a whiff of the industrial grade grease used to make fast ‘food’ is enough to send me into precisely the sort of upheaval you are currently experiencing. Nonetheless, you have experienced a great trauma. In my book How to Forget the Ass-Whoopings of Childhood I examine twelve techniques to successfully forget the painful events of your life. Most therapists will tell you to deal with your problems, but forgetting them accomplishes the same thing. Good luck.