DOG SCOOTER PROVIDES TRANSPORTATION ALTERNATIVE
AOL Keyword: Anal Itch
by Wink Martendale

Kids love the dog scooter. Messy scoot stains are cleaned up easily with the industrial maintenance kit (sold separately).

There's been a lot of hubbub surrounding the unveiling of Dean Kamen's Segway scooter — a marvel of technology that will change the way we think about getting around.

Lost in the shuffle of all this publicity however, is a similar invention of Kamen's that I feel should be given more attention: The Dog Scooter.

The Dog Scooter, like the Segway was also code-named Ginger — named after the dog that spawned the idea. But don't be mistaken- its not a scooter for dogs. Its called a scooter because that's how it works: by scooting.

We've all looked on in dismay as the family dog decides to relieve his anal itch by scooting around on his ass on our living room carpets, so the mechanics of the dog scooter should surprise only the drunkest of onlookers.

The passenger is strapped on to the dog, who, with an itchy anus, drags his hindquarters forward with his two front paws in order to relieve the itch, and in the process advances forward from point A to point B, much like rowing a boat on a carpet and in the process provides an entertaining way of getting around your living room.

	In addition to worms, the anal sacs pictured above can also responsible for your dog's scooting.

Safety first, kids. Crackpot inventor Dean Kamen scoots around on his other scooter.

The Dog Scooter moves at 2 mph and works best on carpets with 1970s colorations and at least a 2" shag.

To recharge your Dog Scooter simply apply the factory-direct itch-inducing worm ointment to your dog's rectum with the patented Kamen ointment applicator (which is sold separately). As soon as your dog starts feeling the anal burn, saddle up and you're on your way for an outdoor-style romp indoors!

The device is geared primarily towards children and those of stunted growth because most dogs simply cannot carry the weight of a full-grown adult. Children also find the dog's scooting to be amusing. What was once something your dog did to desecrate your rug is now a marvel of the scientific community.

Initially, Kamen's early "Ginger-era" tests consisted of himself as the guinea pig. "Boy that was a relief, let me tell you," Kamen quips, "scooting on a carpet really relieves anal itch. You'll definitely appreciate the ride much more once you know what the dog is going through himself."

"I've been asked 'wouldn't this device go faster and be more mobile if the dog were allowed to walk normally on four legs?' I say, no way. In my tests I've found that people prefer to see dogs scooting. Scooting sells."

Strap on your helmet, folks, its gonna be an itchy ride!