2001: YEAR IN REVIEW
by Pravati Vajrasana

I began 2001 as I begin every year, with a visit to my feng shui consultant. Madame Xang rearranged my apartment to encourage positive energy flow. My auras are glowing a calm light blue and six of my seven ‘chakras’ are in alignment. (My seventh ‘chakra’ will never be in alignment as it hooks to the left.)

I also began yoga training at the Vishnu Temple for Advanced Yogic Centeredness after an unfruitful year at the Ramdath Yogic Institute. It seems I was doing the Half Moon pose far too much. I discarded all that nonsense and I’m really trying to focus on the Downward Facing Dog and the Cat-Cow poses.

It has helped me cope with all the madness that transpired during the year, especially the painful breakup of Jennifer Lopez and P. Diddy, a.k.a. Puff Daddy, a.k.a. Sean Puffy Combs.

The 43rd president of the United States, George W. Bush, was sworn in on January 11th in Washington, D.C. He wasted no time declaring his mission to “…make America what we want it to be-a literate country and a hopefuller country." On the lawn of the Capitol thousands applauded in agreement.

Michael Jordan returned to the NBA and nobody much cared.

After long deliberation, I quit my job as a mail-woman. I could not reconcile myself to the fact that formal, black shoes simply do not go with grey and red shorts.

To almost no one’s surprise Celine Dion didn’t fade from the public eye. In 1994 Easymidget named her our ‘Human Herpes Entertainer of the Year’ for her ability to come back time and time again, despite an utter lack of talent. (The name of that honor has since been changed to the ‘Tony Danza Achievement Award.’)

In June I began Resistive Wall therapy after suffering through ‘Glitter’, possibly the worst movie ever made. Mariah Carrey’s god-awful performance is reminiscent of Kevin Costner’s horrid attempt at a British accent in ‘Prince of Thieves’.

On the positive side, greazeball Kid Rock somehow hooked up with Pamela Anderson, a seminal event for former trailer trash persons everywhere.

The September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center left a nation in shock. For my part, I gave a little money, and then promptly checked myself into the Whitehorse Spa for an extended session of acupuncture and herbal purging.

For Halloween, (or as we in the Wicca community like to call it, All Hallows Eve) I went dressed as the 37th incarnation of the Buddha, spreading lightness and joy. I really connected with a young man who dressed as Leatherface from ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.’ We’ve seen each other a few times since and I’m radiating and attracting positive energy flow.

My horary astrologer says that while the Moon is in Via Combusta, i.e. between 15° Libra and 15° Scorpio, (having the malefic and burning influence of Mars, Saturn and Uranus) Saturn is actually in retrograde. I don’t know what any of this means but I’m told it is good, and that’s a relief.

I wish you good Karma in 2002!