WILL SMITH TO LIGHT OLYMPIC TORCH
by Spanks Gifford

	Ali, pictured here in 1996 when he nearly burned down the Olympic Stadium with his shaky torch

In what can only be categorized as extreme method acting, comic-genius, record mogul, and powerful actor Will Smith will light the torch at the opening ceremonies of the Salt Lake City games, reprising his role as Muhammed Ali once again.

Many of you may remember the 1996 Summer Games in Atlanta where a shaky, Parkinson's-addled Ali attempted to light the torch of infinite sportsmanship and goodwill with considerable trouble. Many of you may also remember laughing callously at the sheer ineptitude of a man who was once the greatest fighter of all time and who's physical ability is now on a level between jellyfish and starfish.

Smith commented, "I know its gonna be difficult, but I've done my homework. All the films I watched in preperation for my film Ali helped. My acting coach is going to hit me in the head for twenty minutes with a cinder block. I think also I will drink 3 pots of coffee before I go up there just for extra effect to put me over the top. We're talking Golden Globe here, folks."

Smith then exclaimed, "I'm the greatest actor... of all time!"

Float like a butterfly, shake like tamborine!

Smith is also hopeful about his new release Salt Lake City, the self-titled follow up to his 1998 hit Miami. "Its got a boomin' beat and basically uses the same lyrics as Miami except that I swapped out the Salt Lake City for whenever I sung Miami in the other song."

Smith also stated that he was proud that he did not use profanities in his songs and that he would like to be President.