Hi everyone! Thanks for the keeping in touch over the last couple of days. I've been in the dumps lately and I've enjoyed your death threat emails. Mel Brooks told me in April that he thought he might have a role for me in another of his wacky film genre-spoof movies. He said this time he was doing a take-off on buddy cop films and it would star me and a well-trained parrot. Anyway, he hasn't called yet. I was wondering if you guys maybe knew something I didn't. I tried hanging myself from the closet with the belt to my bathrobe but my own weight broke me down. Oh well! ;-). I guess I wouldn't want to go out like Ray Combs anyway!

Well I would have drank myself to death last night but I didn't have any money. Instead I ate two 30-ounce cans of peanuts and watched the Eight Is Enough special three times on VHS. I've damn-near worn out the tape already. I was such a clever, young actor. What happened to me??? I seem to have lost that twinkle in my eye that I had back then. I masturbated for four hours before passing out on the couch during a Suzanne Somers infomercial.

Why does everyone hate me? I was walking my pug Tootsie today and some kids pulled up alongside me and started shooting me with a super-soaker. I realized soon after my eyes started burning that it was bleach they were shooting at me. Anyway, my hair started falling out around 3 in the afternoon and my eyes still are blazing. Those damn kids. All I have is you guys. You guys are so awesome to me. If I didn't write my thoughts down I don't know what I'd do. I feel like crying but I'm a Van Patten damn it! I've got to hold it together and be strong for you guys!! Thanks for listening to me (o_o)!

Today my wife called me and told me she was too embarrassed to have the Van Patten name associated with her. She filed to have it legally changed to Van Damme. I feel too bad to explain it in words. I've been listening to the Doors today and I wrote some poems. I hope you like them.

Eight was enough back when I was younger
Now I'm getting older and my gut is all fat and shit
I feel like the guy that got ass-raped with a plunger by the cops
Indians scattered on dawn's highway bleeding,
I can't even get a gig on Hollywood Squares.

I tried doing some yoga today but my enormous chin, gut, and sagging man-boobs prevented me from doing anything other than squeaking out some farts. God, I'm pathetic. I'm thinking about volunteering for some humanitarian work in Central Africa so I can contract ebola and just die already LOL!!!.

Well, that's it! I just cashed out my Enron stock and had enough to buy a 30-pack of Bud Light. I went home and poured all the beer into my bathtub and climbed in. It was great to just lay there in the suds naked with a big straw. It took me 2 hours to drink all the beer then I sponged up the rest and wrung it out into my mouth. I'm so wasted right now that I've been prank calling people and moaning loudly into the phone and hanging up! Do any of you know Mel Brooks' number? Please... I'm desperate! ;-)