DO-IT-YOURSELF VALENTINE: THE BLOODY NOSE ROSE

You know you're down on your luck if you read Easy Midget. You've never been one to impress the ladies and as Valentine's Day fast approaches you've sunk into a deep depression over how to make that chick you stare at every day at the bus stop notice you. Well, we have an answer: The Bloody Nose Rose!

You might say "I ain't got time to bleed, Easy Midget!" Well, time is running out— you're flat broke and your original idea to take her to McDonald's and have her split the bill is not really a good plan.

Few gifts will light up a girl's face with a bright smile more than the Bloody Nose Rose. She'll know that you made her gift especially for her, not like one of those dime-a-dozen bouquets of weeds that some intern put together at 1-800-Flowers.

The best gifts are the hand-made kind and you don't have to be some sort of "Bob Vila" to do this so put away that porn and let's get started!

What you'll need:

• 1 Blunt object
• 1 85-count or larger box facial tissue
• Twine
• A few clothespins
• 1 Air-tight canister
• 1 spatula
• Handful of flower stems with the heads cut off

Find a clear area away from anything you care about ruining.

If it's not already bleeding, start by brutally punishing your nose. This can be done creatively or with the aid of a brick or the underside of a sneaker. A clean break will aid in blood quantity and quality.

Letting a friend who's upset at you for sleeping with his girlfriend hit you with a blunt object is a great way to incorporate the values of teamwork into the project.

After impact when blood starts pouring out of your face, do not panic— this is the sign of a true amateur. You're not going to die unless you're hemophiliac or happen to be a leper.

Grab a single tissue, twist it tightly into a knot and fold it over itself. (Easy Midget recommends the beige double-ply Kleenex with the little embroidered sailboats... too cute.)

Treat the Kleenex as if it were origami— twist and fold it gently. This rose is going to be very delicate. The more thoughtful your twist, the more thoughtful your bouquet.

Carefully ram the folded end of the tissue into your flooding nasal cavity.

Let it soak up blood in your nostril until you feel light-headed or you begin to choke on the coagulant, whichever happens first, and pull it out. Don't be surprised if you pull out 8 inches of semi-clotted jelly along with it-- this only helps to bring out the texture of the rose.

Special Note: It is considered cheating if you try to use your own ass-blood in this exercise. Ass-blood is just too easy to conjure up to be considered a meaningful craft. It is also in very poor taste.

Pull some twine taut across two chairs and affix the saturated tissue to it with a clothespin in the same manner a crazy Italian woman would hang her socks to dry.

Laying your blood-steeped rags in a messy heap is not only terribly disorganized, but will also cause them to harden together into an unidentifiable clump.

Let the tissues dry 25-30 minutes.

While you're waiting, see if you can soak through a few new tissues to make the most productive use of your time.

After thoroughly drying the rags, place them into an air-tight canister to keep them fresh. Leaving them out in the open air will attract homeless people eager for a tasty snack so be careful!

Collecting enough rags could take hours or months depending on the severity and regularity of your bleeding, and your tolerance for massive blood loss. Having an out-of-control cocaine habit really will come in handy.

When you have accumulated at least 30 rags, spread them out on a table for maximum visibility and select the best twenty.

Begin by making a ring of bloody tissues about 12 inches in diameter. At this point you'll need fresh blood to act as a bonding agent. If it's not still bleeding, try to reactivate your pre-nasal drip. Let the blood drip onto a spatula until it retains the consistency of cake frosting.

Carefully smear the blood-paste on the underside of each Kleenex and press it firmly atop each previously-pressed tissue. Essentially, you'll want to arrange the rags as if you were laying out cheese and crackers on a silver platter for the Princess of Wales.

Continue this process until you have completed the circle and let dry for thirty minutes.

Don't fuck around and try to wear the ring of tissues as a hat— you'll break it.

Begin a new layer using the first ring as a base and continue laying concentric rings of tissue fronds in the same manner until you have made a crimson ziggurat of bloody Kleenex and can go no higher.

Just for good measure, hover over the rose and let more blood drain all over it for five minutes.

Dry again for thirty minutes.

Softly fluff the rose being careful not to detach each petal from its base. This is where your rose is brought to life. Think Spring! Think Love!

Grab a handful of flower stems with the heads removed and find a way to attach the rose to them. This is always the hardest part and there's no good way to do this, so good luck!

Just like real flowers it is important to give your rose to your sweetheart immediately. Believe it or not, it will wilt so time is of the essence.

For increased dramatic effect do not clean yourself up before seeing your Valentine. Put on your coat and head over to her house without warning. Don't even call her.

At this point we'll leave it up to you to work that charm, Romeo. God knows, if you can't get laid after all the effort you put into her gift then you're pretty much hopeless.

So there you have it! Girls are suckers for flowers— especially one's that you made, and remember— the more you make the more impressive the gift.

Easy Midget thinks that your self-sacrifice is well worth whatever health problems or troubles with the law you may endure for the rest of your life due to making a Bloody Nose Rose. Don't let your fear of bleeding to death or jail stop you from impressing your girl!

Have a truly happy Valentine's Day!

Special thanks to Jay Brewer and Jeff Paradiso for risking their social standing to appear in an Easy Midget photo shoot.