SAM DONALDSON'S HAIR INTERVIEWS RAP DUO COBRA COMMANDER
by Sam Donaldson's Hair

It's well-known that when Easy Midget discovers new musical talent they immediately are embraced by the public. In 1986, when their composition "Boyz-N-the Hood" was rejected by Ruthless, NWA came to Easy Midget and the rest is history.

As destiny would have it, while downloading illegal music off of KaZaA we stumbled across Cobra Commander— a rap outfit with roots in Philly fronted by Old Supreme (Ose) and The Physician (Fiz).

Our very own Sam Donaldson's Hair sat down with the soon-to-be-stars to chat about fresh beats, the rap game and making that cold scrilla, ya heard!

DONALDSON’S HAIR: Welcome, Old Supreme and The Physician. Feel free to spark up, gentlemen. This interview is all about preserving a chill mood and that's why I hooked you guys up with this fine assortment of Thai buds on Easy Midget's tab.

OSE: No, thank you.

FIZ: We both have the Norwalk virus.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: You're probably better off. I bought it off some kid with one leg while waiting in line at an ATM. Fiz, you are known formally as The Physician. As a physician, what level of medical expertise do you possess? Is it comparable to Doctors J or Dre?

FIZ: Those are two legendary figures in the annals of medical history. Growing up in the Philadelphia area, Doctor J was obviously a major influence on me. The way he supposedly cut the webbing between his fingers to make palming the ball easier just showed the type of dedication that he had to improving the foundations of modern surgery. As for Dr. Dre, his medical credentials are suspect, but he gets by with his charming smile.

	Sam Donaldon's Hair listens to Ose and Fiz pontificate.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: And Ose- you are known as Old Supreme. I once purchased and ate a Supreme Burrito at Taco Bell. Are you trying to tell me you're more supreme than a supreme burrito? Those are big shoes to fill.

OSE: Let me break it down. You are talking about the Supreme Bean Burrito, right? I am Supreme and I live in Boston— The Bean. So how can the Supreme Bean Burrito be more supreme than the Supreme that is in the bean that is in the burrito? I think the official name Taco Bell insiders use on the register is ”The Old Supreme in the Bean Supreme Bean Burrito”.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: Taco Bell insiders? They're Sandinistas! That sounds like a great idea for my next interview.

Are you both classically trained musicians? I mean, do you have a formal education in music or did you get into music on your own?

FIZ: I was formally educated by playing the clarinet and bass clarinet, when I was young. I could sight read and all that. When I went to high school, I picked up a guitar and haven't really played clarinet since.

OSE: I play drums and a little bass and I was all-state and all-eastern for clarinet 1994-1996.

FIZ: Also, it's a little known fact that before we were in Cobra Commander, we we're part of a barbershop quart that was not called the 4 Skins.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: You see that's why I'm such big advocate of taking the clarinet in high school. I find that reed instruments are a gateway to musical excellence. My father insisted I play despite my regular schoolyard beatings.

And the name, Cobra Commander-- They tell me "COBRA" is actually an acronym for something?

FIZ: Yes. Christ Owns a Beat-up Red Acura.

OSE: He’s lying. It stands for “Council On Beat Related Affairs”.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: You realize you've chosen to align yourself with Evil? Cobra Commander was G.I. Joe's arch nemesis. G.I. Joe was a real American hero. A rational person would then logically assume that you're supporting Al Qaeda by directly opposing American heroes. Don't dodge the question, answer it.

OSE: Why would you name your rap group Cobra Commander if you didn't want to be associated with GI Joe? And yet here we are. What fools we've become.

FIZ: No comment. We don't support Al Qaeda, though.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: Why don't you walk us through a typical creative session of Cobra Commander's?

FIZ: Well, we are rarely together at the same place at the same time so it's not your standard session. When we are together, it's great. We both rap and both produce beats so essentially we'll switch off back and forth between the production and MC-ing depending on what needs to be done at the time.

OSE: Yeah, there is no set pattern that we go by when making a song. We rely heavily on the Internet to talk out ideas and swap music files.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: So you guys live 1,000 miles apart from each other-- Ose in Boston and Fiz in Chicago. Tell us how hard or easy that is? Is it hard to maintain a long distance relationship like that? I mean, Ose you must stay up all night wondering if you can trust Fiz. Who knows if he's rapping with someone else behind your back. It must tear you apart to not know!

OSE: I used to have a problem with that, but I hired an ex-FBI facial reconstructionist to make a perfect replica of Fizzi’s face in latex. It can be worn like a mask. Whenever I start to feel blue I put it on and look in the mirror and say “I love you O.S.”.

FIZ: I have an autographed life-size poster of Old Supreme directly above my bed. It says "To Fiz. My One and Only." What other evidence does one need?

DONALDSON’S HAIR: I find solace in the smell of latex.

Excuse me. I lost my composure there. Let me continue. And how exactly do you use the Internet to create a song? Do you record some beats and then each upload some vocals and mix it together or what?

OSE: We have 2 close-to-identical production set-ups. One in Boston and one in Chicago. They are both hooked up the high speed internet connections. This makes it really easy for me to send music files to Fiz. He can immediately open them, listen to them, alter them, record new tracks, whatever. Then he sends it back to me and I can work on it and send it back to him. We do that over and over until we both think the song is finished.

	Old Supreme (left) and The Physician (right)

DONALDSON’S HAIR: What is your creative fuel? Is it psychologically deep-rooted? Is it Anger, booze, women or something more sinister?

FIZ: Something much more sinister.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: Your first EP was "Rap Music for idiots". Now your forthcoming LP is called "Rap Music for Geniuses". How were you able to bridge the gab between "idiot" and "genius"?

FIZ: It's actually "Rap Music By Idiots", not for idiots. So we are idiots making music for geniuses. Do you understand?

OSE: This confuses a lot of people. I think the root of the confusion can be found in the fact that even though our website says that the EP was called “Rap Music by Idiots” and that the LP will be called “Rap Music for Geniuses” the EP was actually self-titled and the full-length, which is in the works, has no official name yet. But, if I were going to try and bridge the gap between idiot and genius I would probably try to use the simple mathematics of farts.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: This is all quite complex. Then again, I am just a journalistic hairpiece and am easily confused. And when is the album scheduled to be released?

FIZ: We are shooting for a summer release, but you never really know. Check out www.cobracommandcenter.com for details.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: It appears you guys are primarily a studio act. How much have you ventured into live performance? or is that not what you're all about?

FIZ: We've only played one live performance ever, as Cobra Commander, and that was at my birthday party. It was crazy as all hell. You can see our performance of Biters on our website. I'd had a little too much to drink so I wasn't the sharpest tongue on the block, but that's OK 'cause we had fun and Ose picked it up where I fell off.

OSE: We played out extensively in other groups when we lived in Philly, it just so happened that around the time we got serious with CC, I moved to Boston. Luckily, we devised our elaborate long distance recording scheme to tie us over until we reunite stronger than ever! I think we would both love to play live shows but the current situation does not allow for it.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: I was once a part of Siegfried and Roy's Las Vegas Dancing Tiger Revue. My duties included maintaining the sheen of tigers' fur and keeping them properly brushed. Occasionally, Siegfried would allow me to hold a flaming hoop for him. That was the extent of my experience in live performance. I'm sure you're envious.

OSE: When I had to have a heart transplant they used a tiger’s heart because they were in a hurry, but I'm gonna let Fiz field the question.

Ose and Fiz performing

FIZ: Yes, I am envious. Mainly because of your penis size. I have never seen a hairpiece with such a large penis. So am I to assume that the hairpiece is for your head, by that of course I mean penishead? Because man I am jealous of that, you know? Like when you have to go use the bathroom and ... wait. What was the question again?

DONALDSON’S HAIR: I had no idea my penis was showing this whole time... Oh yes, so it is. Pardon me. This is quite embarrassing.

If you're interested my editor still needs a headliner for Easy Midget Fest '03-- a traveling Christian Revivalist musical tour that follows Renaissance fairs throughout the American Southeast in an attempt to convert heathens who prance around in tunics through the power of song.

OSE: In the mid-80s I filed a petition to try and get permission to make Hammer Pants out of the Shroud of Turin. I have the perfect body type to rock the hell out of a get-up like that. Unfortunately, I never really got anywhere with it, but it’s something I'm still interested in pursuing someday when I have more time.

FIZ: Ah yes. Never underestimate the power of the tunic. Count us in.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: Fabulous! As soon as we resolve our ongoing bankruptcy proceedings we will begin making arrangements for that. Switching topics, do you ever get any flack from anyone when you tell people you're rappers? As if rap doesn't have as much musical respect as other forms of music?

FIZ: Never when they know I am. Usually what happens is people are talking about how shitty all rap is or how it's not music. I'm sitting there thinking to myself how close-minded they are. They have no clue that I'm an MC. But I do have a clue that they are dumb.

OSE: Really? I actually never have that problem.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: On the subject of race, I noticed when reading a previous interview with you two you both left out the Beastie Boys from your list of influences. Is that truly because you weren't that influenced by them or is it a stigma being white rappers and saying you were influenced by other white rappers?

FIZ: We were definitely influenced by the Beastie Boys. There just wasn't enough space to mention all of our influences. They are dope regardless of the fact that they are three goofy white dudes. They are funny. Their beats and rhymes are great. They play instruments. It's also cool how they don't take themselves too seriously, but still rock the party like they do.

OSE: They are incredibly creative and original, that’s inspiring in itself. I mean Paul’s Boutique? The feel of that entire album is so fluid and the beats are straight heat.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: If you were on Star Search and Tony Danza was the celebrity judge how many stars would he give you? Keep in mind that Tony Danza is world-renown for his musical scrutiny.

OSE: I have always felt some kind of connection with Danza because I am the boss and I clean house much like his character on television. So I think he would either feel intimidated and give zero stars or feel like we were on the level and give the maximum number of stars allowable by the Star Search rule makers.

FIZ: I'd say he'd give us the maximum amount because I'd win him over backstage with my knowledge of the infamous Danza Slap. Then I'd ask him to demonstrate on Supreme. "Who's the Boss now?" I'd say.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: Tony Danza has incredible hair. I'm quite enamored of how silky-smooth it is. I'll have to get in touch with his stylist. I read an interesting article once that claimed that punk rock as we knew it in the 70s has been reborn in the form of rap and that rap is the only style of music that is truly "real" today. What do you think about that?

FIZ: I think that's bullshit. There is plenty of "real" music or whatever you want to call it, regardless of genre. You think all these rappers are "real"? How many real people do you know that have a Playstation 2 in the back of their car?

OSE: I don’t know why anyone would make such a ridiculous sweeping statement like that. I think there are some interesting parallels between punk and rap, though. Like, there is a sort of do-it-yourself sensibility in both and a prominent antithetical ideal associated with both of them. They both have huge underground elements and a well seated establishment in the mainstream. They are both relatively inexpensive musical styles to get started playing, and, while some people might not appreciate my saying this, you can get started at both punk and rap without much talent or equipment. They are both highly emotionally driven art forms. All these factors contribute to why they are both such underground forces, the mainstream element comes after the music gets dumbed down a little bit to be more "accessible".

	Easy Midget's own Wizzee Wigg gets ready to battle rhyme Cobra Commander while Sam Donaldson's Hair looks on.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: Well said, gentlemen. Now I know you both have been waiting for this moment. You've talked the talk. Now it's time to walk the walk. We thought as a gesture of friendly competition and in the true spirit of Hip Hop we'd find someone to do a little battle-rhyming. Are you guys down with this?

FIZ: Ok.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: Excellent.

We found him in a very exclusive underground food pantry just outside of Altoona, PA. His name is Wizzee Wigg. It is Easy Midget's opinion that he has some of the dopest, phreshest rhymes on the East Coast and we're confident enough to wager all of our company assets on his performance.

Wizzee, the microphone is yours.

WIZZEE WIGG: Wizzee Wigg is in your face
Just like some industrial sized deadly-ass mace
I spray that shit and I call you a bitch
Then I throw you fools in a motherfuckin' ditch
And you ain't even diggin' out of it
Cause my crew got no love for your shit
I spit rhymes like a dirty sick llama
You don't like me cause I fucked your mama

Yo! and I'm out!

DONALDSON’S HAIR: Well, there you have it. what you see is what you get with Wizzee. I am at a loss for words. Cobra Commander, can you beat that?

FIZ: My penis rises like a phoenix, I mean it.

OSE: Looks like my scrotum stole a totem pole.

DONALDSON’S HAIR: Old Supreme and The Physician. Thank you for your time and good luck with your music. We have learned much from your wisdom.

FIZ: Thanks for having us.