MICHAEL JACKSON TO STAR IN NEW SEASON OF ABC's "THE BACHELOR"
by Willie Zagnut, Entertainment Editor

	Michael Jackson up in the club with a bottle full of bub

Michael Jackson, the self-proclaimed King of Pop, has been tapped to star in the upcoming season of ABC’s “The Bachelor” as the bachelor. With the popularity of reality-based television shows growing every day, so has the competition between networks to court audiences with their own bachelor-themed spinoffs. Thus, ABC has upped the ante by acquiring the talents of mega-entertainer Jackson whom they hope will be a ratings goldmine.

A group of 25 hand-selected boys ages 8-12 will woo Jackson on-location at his Neverland Ranch with the intent of winning his love and the fame that will surely follow. Jackson, who has a Peter Pan fetish, is excited about the idea of being the bachelor “because it will be like one big sleepover party. I can’t wait for the group tickling and the Harry Potter bukkake!”

It will be difficult in the end, as Jackson will be forced to choose only one boy to share his lonely and bizarre world with. “Whoever that boy is, he will be whisked away into Jackson’s world of international intrigue and certain psychological damage,” quipped Vice president of programming for ABC, Merv Eisore.

There will be plenty of dramatic interactions with the children on this season’s “The Bachelor” as the boys ride on jet skis in Jackson’s small man-made pond, visit his many exotic animals, play video games, go on golf cart rides, and are photographed in the nude, all the while competing for Michael’s attention.

There's plenty of fun at the Neverland Ranch

Jackson says, “I’m a very private person. I won’t let just anybody sleep in my oxygen chamber with me. I’m going to have to get to know each and every one of these boys closely in order to make my decision. The boy I choose will be very special…more special than Bubbles the Chimp. We’re going to have so much fun. There’s so many creepy things to do at the Neverland Ranch.”

Jackson joked, “Really, it seems silly to go through all this trouble of getting to know the boys by spending time with them. Everyone knows the best way to size up a young boy is to grab him by his buttocks and kneed furiously until you start crying."

“It’s a sensual cry, not a sad cry,” clarified Jackson.

“My publicist even has me working with a voice coach to help me develop a creepy laugh to go along with my weirdo persona. Once I perfect that, I’ll be unquestionably the creepiest human to have ever walked the earth. It’s the only angle I’ve got left to make money.”

	Jackson's oxygen chamber is responsible for keeping his face so...full of life...

This is a win-win situation for Jackson who has been facing mounting debt of late. Tepid album sales and a gaggle of lawsuits have wreaked havoc on Jackson’s pocketbook. “Mounting children sounded like much more fun than mounting debt,” giggled Jackson. “It will be good to be back in the limelight again.”

“I hope Michael picks my child, Tommy,” says an excited Martha Jones, mother of one of the boy-hopefulls. “If he does, it will launch my child on a respectable career path. I think that exposure to Hollywood as a young boy will be good for Tommy—just look at other child stars and how they’ve succeeded. Danny Bonaduce and Todd Bridges are both testaments the great things that come from child stardom!”

Regardless of who is chosen, this season’s “The Bachelor” will be a sure-fire hit for ABC and will undoubtedly recharge Jackson’s popularity which is right now bordering on a level near Jon Wayne Gacy and Carrot Top.