LOU FERRIGNO UNPLUGGED:
An intimate chat with Sam Donaldson's Hair
by Sam Donaldson's Hair

Sam Donaldson's Hair officially announced that it has separated completely from the physical entity known as "Sam Donaldson" and wishes to pursue its own journalistic career without the aid of Mr. Donaldson's celebrity status. The interview you are about to read is Sam Donaldson's Hair's first exclusive interview since the separation. Last week Sam Donaldson's hair sat down with Lou Ferrigno, who appeared in full Hulk attire, for an informal chat about life, weightlifting, and all things green...

Sam Donaldson's Hair: Mr. Ferrigno, you are a world famous body builder, actor, and promoter of dietary supplements. You are a husband and father. I am told that you speak only rarely, that you are something of a deep thinker.

Lou Ferrigno: Mmm...I hongry. I hongry now.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: Right. Well. This won't be a long ordeal or anything, Mr. Ferrigno. I just have a few questions I'd like to put to you.

Lou Ferrigno: Okay.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: What inspired you to become a bodybuilding legend?

Lou Ferrigno: I good at pushing weight. Up down up down. People clap. People happy when I push weight. I hongry now.


Sam Donaldson's Hair: So you were naturally disposed to all things physical?

Lou Ferrigno: I have Beanie Baby collection.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: That's nice Mr. Ferrigno. But if we could, for a moment, just stay focused on your amazing career --

Lou Ferrigno: I have Princess Beanie Baby. It's rare Beanie Baby.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: That's great, but --

Lou Ferrigno: Beanie Babies don't yell at me. Beanie Babies don't call me stupid.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: I see. Did somebody yell at you and call you stupid when you were growing up, Mr. Ferrigno?

Editor's note. At this point Mr. Ferrigno broke into tears. He wailed and beat himself about the head and neck until an enterprising EasyMidget staffer consoled him with a bucket of fried chicken. The interview proceeded about an hour later.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: Are you well enough to continue, Mr. Ferrigno?

Lou Ferrigno: Yeah.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: Let's talk about your time as a prime time television star.

Lou Ferrigno: I was Hulk! I smash bad guys in head!

Sam Donaldson's Hair: Yes. Some have suggested the Hulk character represents man's continued reliance upon primordial rage and violence as a survival tool, that is to say, a lack of modernity. How did you approach the character?

Lou Ferrigno: I put green paint on my body. I smash bad guys in head!

Sam Donaldson's Hair: That is true. The Incredible Hulk is a character you played brilliantly. The intensity, the raw aggression, the assured savage gravitas, if you will. I guess what I'm getting at is the mental preparation one undergoes before playing the Hulk.

Lou Ferrigno: Mmmm...

Editor's note. Confused and sweating profusely, Mr. Ferrigno began rocking back and forth in his chair and tugging at the hair on the left side of his head like an autistic child.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: Let me put it differently. The Hulk was a vigilante at root, a self-appointed arbiter of justice. While the Hulk was never wrong with regard to a person's culpability, he did often inflict a hell of a beating. In one episode, for example, the Hulk throws a 'bad guy' out the window of a three-story building. Did you find the Hulk's punitive measures excessive, and if not, what does that say about his, ergo our, morality?

Editor's note. At this point Mr.Ferrigno flew into hysterics. He kicked a gaffer and the key grip. He grabbed Sam Donaldson's Hair by the, uh, hair and was finally talked down with promises of a trip to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.