STILL LEAN AND MEAN:
A Look At George Foreman's Fantastic New Grill
by Tim Sweaterface

I don't feel sorry for people starving in the Sudan, and frankly, either does George Forman for that matter, who I recently sat down with to talk about the unveiling of his new grill which will be available for puchase this year.

For those of us who keep an eye on today's top culinary stars we all know of the eccentric and lively Mr. Foreman and of his popular Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine which has made eating greasy artery-clogging meat once again socially acceptable. It is his newest creation, however, that will by far be his most acclaimed endeavor and will launch him into the upper echelon of cookery, judging from the buzz its already created around the country.

In his quest to rid the world of fat asses everywhere, Foreman has been working in his Texas ranch-laboratory to create a way of not only reducing the fat we eat in our foods, but also in physically removing it from our bodies. This why his new contraption is called the Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Ass Grill.

Its essentially a human-size version of the Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine that basically "grills your ass till the fat falls right off it."

"I wanted to get that cottage cheese looking stuff out from my backside without having to do something God-damned silly like go for a jog or do excercise." This is why Foreman's latest revelation is so amazing; its so easy to use! First time ass-grillers will note that Foreman has taken extra pains to create a comfortable and ergonomic environment for you while your ass is getting grilled; a reclining seat back adjusts to three positions and the arm rests even have drink holders. A stainless steel double-supported base swivels 360 degrees for maximum visibility.

The process is simple: apply fresh olive oil to both your left and right cheeks with a glazing brush (not included); preheat the Ass Grill to the 'Campfire Hot' setting for 2 minutes and sit down in the grilling chair for a number of minutes depending on the amount of fat you wish to remove, being careful not to scald your genitalia. While you are sizzling, unwanted fat drizzles down the fluted grill into a collection device where it can be retained for cooking later. George is proud to say he reused his liquified fat to butter a teflon pan and has cooked eggs in his own gristle. "I tasted my own ass! How 'bout that!"

However, Foreman does stress that his new machine is still in Beta test mode and that users of the grill must be warned that right now it may leave permanent grill marks on your hind quarters, but according to George "having your ass look like the face of a well-done steak is a much more acceptable option to me than having an ass that looks like a bowl of oatmeal — and it ain't nothing worse than how your ass looks after a good healthy spanking," states Foreman who oddly peppers his sentences with the word "ass".

In order to make the grill marks more acceptable, Foreman is working with local cattle ranchers in developing morere fashionable grill patterns besides the traditional "Whopper-style" vertical bars of ordinary grills. Foreman is considering creating more aesthetic grill patterns that could be more decorative. Some grill patterns under consideration are markings that say "Jesus Saves", "Mom", and an elaborate drawing of a raccoon weilding a chainsaw.

Foreman thought of the Ass Grill in the midst of a "mean dump" he was taking that "hurt like a motherfucker." "The pain in my rectal region kind of went hand and hand with the slight discomfort you feel in the grilling chair. I put two and two together and realized this would be an great way to expand on my grill market."

Foreman admits he is a crazed inventor who "comes up with some fucked up crazy shit" but the Ass Grill is undoubtedly considered to be his opus as he was recently praised in American Griller magazine. Getting to the point where he is now wasn't as easy as you would think. Some of his earlier failures on the way up the invention ladder included the George Forman Lean Mean High Colonic Machine, and the even less memorable Lean Mean Tittie Twisting Machine, which Foreman admits being solely for his own experimentations and not meant for mass-production. Still, he speaks of these past creations with a sense of wistfull nostalgia, adding "I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler!"

A little known fact about Mr. Foreman is in addition to the fame he has inherited from selling 10 million grills, he was once became heavyweight champion of the world when he knocked out Joe Frazier in 1973, but this is something he doesn't like to bring up because "I'd like people 100 years from now to look back and remember me for my grilling legacy, not for something as insignificant as being a boxing legend."

Hearing this, the question now is not how many Ass Grills will George Foreman sell, because we all know that his charisma and past performance speak for themselves, but instead- what will George Foreman come up with next!

I can't wait to get my cheeks on this new one!