QUOTABLE QUOTES: BEN FRANKLIN
Compiled by Mike Lampshade

It is true that we just don't speak in the same manner as we did two hundred-fifty years ago and trying to understand famous quotes from the 18th century is like asking a drunk guy for directions. We decided to update the famous quotations of one of America's great founding members: Ben Franklin and translate his witticisms into today's contexts. For instance:

Old Saying: "A penny saved is a penny earned."
New Saying: "A penny swallowed is a tasty penny"

Old Saying: "God helps them that help themselves"
New Saying: "God won't help you and you should go fuck yourself"

Old Saying: "Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise"
New Saying: "Early to bed, early to rise, makes no difference to a bedwetter"

Old Saying: "Plough deep while sluggards sleep"
New Saying: "Plough deep, so deep it'll put your ass to sleep" (with apologies to Ice Cube)

Old Saying: "Little strokes fell great oaks"
New Saying: "Diff'rent Strokes leads to a fucked-up acting career"

Old Saying: "It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright"
New Saying: "Its even harder for an airline sickness bag full of vomit to stand upright"

Old Saying: "Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other"
New Saying: "School is for suckas and you make more money slingin' dope, bitch"

Old Saying: "There never was a good war or a bad peace"
New Saying: "But there's nothing like a good piece from a bad whore"

Old Saying: "Remember that time is money"
New Saying: "Remember that time is money and working on comedy magazines is a waste of time"

Old Saying: "We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately"
New Saying: "Our posse must all hang together unless there be a 'no loitering' sign outside the store"

Old Saying: "Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead"
New Saying: "Kill anyone who knows you have scabies"

Old Saying: "Read much, but not many books"
New Saying: "Reading the backs of cereal boxes is a good way to build vocabulary"

Old Saying: "Kill no more pigeons than you can eat"
New Saying: (This saying shall remain the same as it rings true today)

Old Saying: "He that lives upon hope will die fasting"
New Saying: "He that lives upon his own urine will die fast"

Old Saying: "Haste makes waste"
New Saying: "Eating McDonalds makes fecal waste hastily"