RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON:
Man of Mystery
Special Report by Sam Donaldson's Hair

Editor’s Note: EasyMidget sat down with Richard Dean Anderson at a cheap motel in the Philippines.

Sam Donaldson’s Hair: Mr. Anderson, I see your mullet is in high form.

Richard Dean Anderson: My what?

Sam Donaldson’s Hair: Your mullet. Your short-on-the-top-shaved-on-the-sides-long-in-the-back scenario. “Hockey hair”, as it were.

Richard Dean Anderson: This hair made me a major television star. I’ll be damned if I’m going to betray what has gotten me this far. Patrick Swayze didn’t have the guts to keep his mullet, and where has his career gone?

Sam Donaldson’s Hair: Fair enough. I’d like to talk about your dazzling career. You began as a street mime and juggler, and then as a jester-singer at a 16th century-style cabaret.

Richard Dean Anderson: That’s right. Everybody loves a mime, y’know? Violence against mimes is up though. It’s one of America’s dirty little secrets. That’s why I founded M.U.D., Mimes Under Duress. I want to thank EasyMidget, by the way, for so forcefully addressing mime antipathy.

Sam Donaldson’s Hair: Yes. We at EasyMidget like to think of ourselves as the online 60 Minutes. Mime/midget unity is something EasyMidget believes in and actively fosters. But let’s talk about Richard Dean Anderson. After doing some plays in Los Angeles you landed the role of Dr. Jeff Webber on ABC's daytime drama, General Hospital. Talk about that experience.

Richard Dean Anderson: It was wonderful. For the first time in my life I had the money and status to really indulge in my hobbies: sex tours in the Philippines and full-contact origami.

Sam Donaldson’s Hair: Well, I think we can all relate to that.

Richard Dean Anderson: I got some fame and some dough, you know, and I went to my class reunion and I really rubbed it in. ‘I’m on television,’ I said. ‘I’m a star. I’m on television and you people work regular jobs. You people have car payments. You stupid people go to church. But not me, I don’t need church. I don’t need church cuz I’ve been to the mountaintop. I’m on TV.’ I really stuck it to those commoners. They didn’t know what to do in the presence of real class.

Sam Donaldson’s Hair: Speaking of class, in the hit movie Wayne's World, a giant statue of former Chicago Blackhawk star Stan Mikita sits atop Wayne and Garth's favorite hangout, Stan Mikita's Donuts. After filming, the statue sat on a back lot at Paramount's Los Angeles studios until you happened by. Mikita's likeness now stands guard at the end of your Pacific Palisades driveway. Some would say that demonstrates a decided lack of class, Mr. Anderson.

Richard Dean Anderson: I don’t give one good damn what some people would say. I know a valuable art object when I see one. Most of the people who criticize me were never MacGyver fans. They never followed the wacky romantic hijinks of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. They’ve never participated in the phenomenon that is Richard Dean Anderson. I mean, the average guy on the street is so un-Richard Dean Andersonlike that it’s just pathetic.

Sam Donaldson’s Hair: So you reject the notion that you are some kind of “arriviste”?

Richard Dean Anderson: Some kind of what?

Sam Donaldson’s Hair: You know, “new money.” A mullet headed country bumpkin who lucked into a couple of bucks. Do you think it was fair that the New York Times referred to you as a “latter day Beverly Hillbilly”?

Richard Dean Anderson: No I don’t think it was fair. I’m not exactly sure what they mean by it, but I don’t think it was fair.

Sam Donaldson’s Hair: Is it true that you were disgruntled by MacGyver’s Monday night time-slot, often pre-empted by Monday Night Football as it was?

Richard Dean Anderson: Of course. Look, would you rather follow the absorbing adventures of MacGyver or listen to the endless bland tedium of Dan Dierdorf’s lisp? I mean my goodness, MacGyver wasn’t just a television show, it was an existential journey. Like experimental modern dance or something. I’ve gotten so many letters from people saying how much MacGyver affected them. Bob Knight said the only time he has ever cried in his entire life is when MacGyver saved the sweat shop workers by building jetpacks for them out of propane tanks.

Sam Donaldson’s Hair: Right. Lately, though, your career has…mmm…shall we say…stalled?

Richard Dean Anderson: That’s bullshit. I’m just being choosier of what roles I accept. In the past year alone I’ve done Circus of the Stars, I’ve done an after school special about kindergarten pregnancy, and I’m very excited about the voice work I’m doing with Erik Estrada for National Geographic’s three part film on the lives of dust mites.

Sam Donaldson’s Hair: Do you -

Richard Dean Anderson: I’m a star, do you hear me?! I’ve dated supermodels, for crying out loud! I’m absolutely frigging huge in West Virginia. Do realize MacGyver is the number one show in both the Federated States of Micronesia and the Nghia Hung region of Vietnam?

Editors Note: “MacGyver” is actually the number three show in the Federated States of Micronesia, behind “Moesha” and ”Car 54 Where Are You?” And so far as anyone here at EasyMidget can ascertain, there doesn’t seem to be more than a few dozen televisions in all of Nghia Hung.

Sam Donaldson’s Hair: That’s fascinating. What’s next for the ratings juggernaut we call Richard Dean Anderson?

Richard Dean Anderson: Producing interests me greatly. Gary Coleman and I are putting together a pilot with “Gopher” from The Love Boat series. A couple of real pros, those two. “Gopher”…I mean “Zingy”, that’s his name in this new series; “Zingy” goes back in time and ends up traveling with a rag-tag band of Vikings. We’re calling it “Zingy’s Norwegian Misadventures”. A lot of buzz has been generated around Hollywood. We’re all very excited.

Sam Donaldson’s Hair: Wow. Thank you Richard Dean Anderson.

Richard Dean Anderson: Always a pleasure.

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