KATO KAELIN: MAN OF THE YEAR
by Orenthal James Swanson

EasyMidget thinks Chubb Rock said it best in his rap "No Rubber, No Backstage Pass" from his masterful "America Is Dying Slowly" album:

I gotta have it, O.J., he gotta stab it
Stop dealin with that Kato Kaelin kid, the drug addict

Now, it is rumored that Kato is considering giving himself a Native American name. EasyMidget thinks that's a fine idea. We are partial to, but not decided upon, the following monikers:

• Squatting Goat
• Bloated Rat
• Talentless Media-Whore Houseboy

But there are so many appropriate names for a pseudo-celebrity of his caliber. (Many EasyMidget staffers felt the terms "fecal" and/or "flunky" should somehow be incorporated into the suggested names. Those fools were duly shouted down, of course. EasyMidget is rigidly hierarchical. While we, the senior editorial staff, often solicit suggestions from younger workers, those ideas are always openly mocked.)

But let's talk all things Kato. Having settled his $15 million libel lawsuit over the National Examiner's headline: "Cops Think Kato Did It!" with media giant Globe Communications Corp. for an undisclosed sum, Kato had his "O.J.'s Bitch" tattoo removed from his left ass cheek. He does still insist on "going Dutch" on most dates, however.

Make no mistake, Squatting Goat had a lot of competition for this year's Man of the Year award. Mickey Rooney was in the running as per usual, and Ricardo Montalban was our dark horse candidate after a number of us here at EasyMidget gathered at a local art theatre for a midnight showing of "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan".

Be that as it may, Kato's our boy. Now some have suggested that it is too early in the year to be handing out Man of the Year awards. To those people one can only kindly suggest that they go fuck themselves three ways to Tuesday. You see, Kato Kaelin-free television has been the norm thus far this year. And we like it. We give this award to Kato Kaelin and wish him continued success at staying out of the public eye, to the benefit of everyone.

Congratulations to all of the finalists.