SAM DONALDSON'S HAIR INTERVIEWS SALLY STRUTHERS
By Sam Donaldson's Hair, EasyMidget.com Correspondant

Editor's Note: In 1985 Sam Donaldson and his Hair came to a mutual agreement to work separately after several personal fallouts. Donaldson's Hair has since become a specialist in interviewing celebrities for EasyMidget.com. This month he interviews 'All In The Family's' Sally Struthers.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: Sally Struthers. Actress, charity-freak, binge eater. When did you first realize that food meant more to you than your own self-respect?

Sally Struthers: I was nine years old. I had made my way through an entire bundt cake. I felt this sort of high, similar to what I've heard marathon runners describe. It just seemed like I could go forever: microwave chimichangas, bags of pork rinds, Hamburger Helper without the hamburger. You name I ate it. And when there wasn't any food left I blended together that red-brown hot dog juice that collects at the bottom of the package with some sticks of butter.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: A wienie-juice and butter smoothie?

Sally Struthers: Mmm yes.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: You have been deeply involved with impoverished children the world over. How did you get involved with this problem?

	Sally Struthers, seen here working on site in the Sudan inspects some rice sifting with 30lb. turkey in tow

Sally Struthers: About fifteen years ago my inner child ran away after being fondled by his Boy Scouts troop leader. He's a small Puerto Rican boy with a harelip named Fernando. He also responds to "Ferny". He likes fried plantains. If any Easy Midget readers happen to see him please tell him to call home. I just want to talk.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: How has it affected you?

Sally Struthers: It has made my therapy nearly useless. Do you have any idea how hard it is to undergo psychoanalysis without an inner child? I hired Herve Villachez, you know "Tattoo" from "Fantasy Island" as a stand-in, but he's always bitching about actors' union dues and spinal degradation.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: Is he -

Sally Struthers: He's a goddamn prima donna. And he can't even cry on cue. Can you imagine? You hire a guy to stand in as your inner child in therapy and he can't even cry on cue? It's been very hard.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: How do you cope?

Sally Struthers: I eat of course. And I try to help poor kids. But that is not easy either - hanging out with starving kids. They are such complainers. It's always"me, me, me." As if I don't have problems of my own.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: In your tell-all autobiography you say that things have been tense between you and your alter ego, as well.

Sally Struthers: Yes. My alter ego Alice has always been so different from me. She is a dominatrix in New York City's Lower East Side. She specializes in champagne enemas.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: I hear you can get very drunk from one of those.

Sally Struthers: Well, I'll tell you. About three years ago, as an act of goodwill, I went to her shop and allowed her to administer an enema. It was a spiritual experience. In fact, when one of these starving kids start whining about the flies or the garbage-strewn mud hole they're wallowing in, I tell them what they really need is a good enema. They want food. They want one of the sandwiches I've packed for the day. But that's the easy way out.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: I know you are a big fan of "Insane Clown Posse". What is it you like?

Insane Clown Posse ready to rumble

Sally Struthers: Listen, when the Southern Baptists were up in arms about Disney releasing violent "antifamily" movies such as Pulp Fiction (as well as Disney's refusal to get rid of "Gay Day" at Disneyland) Disney decided to drop the album "The Great Milenko" just hours after its release. I wanted to stand in solidarity with Insane Clown Posse. I guess I really felt a connection when I heard this verse from their song "Piggy Pie":

Three little piggies, to make a piggy pie
There's nothing like the sound when you hear a piggy die
I might use a gun (no), I might use an ax (yes)
The carnival's in town, come and get your piggy snacks!

Sam Donaldson's Hair: Wow. That's powerful stuff. A lawyer for Insane Clown Posse informed me that the following verse from the song "What is a Juggalo" is dedicated to you Sally:

What is a juggalo?
Well, he ain't a phoney
He'll walk up and bust a nut in your macaroni

Sally Struthers (teary-eyed): Fuckin-A. They're such sweet boys. I just love em to death.

Sam Donaldson's Hair: Sally Struthers. You're a real inspiration to us all. Thank you so much.

Sally Struthers: Thank you Sammy D.

Editor's Note: More of Sam Donalson's Hair's work can be found in EasyMidget's April and May issues.