THE LOVEDOCKTER IS IN...

The Lovedockter himself- Herbie Sweet

Dear friends, the path to a righteous and fulfilling life is right around the corner. Sometimes we need a little help from our friends. That's why I'm here for you— the Lovedockter.

Every month I brew up a batch of camomile tea and sit down to read the countless and wonderful mail you all send me. Unfortunately I can't get to all of them, but I'll try to answer some of my favorites today.

Dear Lovedockter,
When I was growing up both my mother and grandmother featured bowls of plastic fruit on the kitchen table. Has this decorative motif completely died?

V. McMahon
Putris, Ontario

Fortunately, bowls of plastic fruit can still be found in most of the same households where those little gnomes are displayed in the front yard. (Be warned that the banana probably became a doggy chew toy long ago.)

Dear Lovedockter,
There are a number of napalm recipes on the net. Any recommendations?

F. Allen
Hackensack, NJ

Let's face it, there's a lot of bad juju surrounding napalm. It's as volatile as Bob Knight sporting a wedgie. I cannot condone its use in good conscience. There are alternatives, however. If you are planning a simple night raid on a village of "charlie", for example, I would recommend some c4 plastic explosives and a standard-issue military semi-automatic rifle.

Dear Lovedockter,
I recently learned that Nebraska has a Board of Tourism. What do you make of this?

M. Touret
Grafton, MA

The idea that Nebraska needs a Board of Tourism is a pure delusion. It’s similar to the guy who played Erkel thinking he can ever get another acting gig.

Dear Lovedockter,
I have noticed that many of the Star Trek aliens have mullets. What the hell?

J.R. Wettend
Fresno, CA

Yeah J.R., the good people at Star Trek have been putting mullets on national television for nearly forty years. But then Star Trek is the television equivalent of a mullet: a hideous concoction enjoyed by social outcasts that never friggin goes away.

Dear Lovedockter,
I have begun to distrust my left arm. Lopping it off seems to be the only solution. Can you recommend a certain tool or implement to do the job?

C. Williamson
Las Vegas, NV

In-home amputation is not as involved as one might imagine. As with all do-it-yourself medicine, I like to take my cues from the Civil War era. First, apply a cloth soaked in chloroform and be sure to remove the rag often so you don’t get chloroform poisoning. Next, cut off the blood flow with a tourniquet. Then take a scalpel and cut through the flesh and tissue to the bone. To cut through the bone itself use a saw-like tool called a capitol saw. When everything is done sew up the arteries and veins with silk or cotton thread. During the Civil War, the painkiller used most often was morphine. I recommend this drug as it is both highly addictive and a boatload of laughs.

Dear Lovedockter,
If a Helen Keller falls in the woods, does it make any noise?

J. Montgomery
Hickory Farms, PA

I don't know. But that reminds me of a good dead baby joke I once heard:
Q: What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
A: Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.