FROZEN MAMMOTH MAKES FOR TASTY BARBECUE
By Debbie Ripley, Food Critic

The cold tundra wind blows ruthlessly across the glacial snow, but that doesn't hamper a group of researchers headed by Frenchman Bernard Buigues from carrying on with their business. Buigues and his team have discovered a fully-intact wooly mammoth that died 20,000 years ago, pulled it from the Siberian permafrost and helicoptered it 200 miles to an ice cave. Here they have assembled a massive undertaking in trying to dethaw the mammoth and release it from its frozen grave.

Many in the scientific community are heralding the discovery of a fully-intact wooly mammoth as "heralding" and "deserving of a scientific herald", while others are speculating that this "could quite possibly be so incredible that it be deemed heraldic by the scientific community" although this seems mostly to be the opinion of scientists named Harold. What's so amazing about this find is that it may finally allow scientists to clone a mammoth, finally unlocking previously unanswerable mysteries of these ghosts of the arctic.

Buigues is quick to dampen these scientific hopes as he intends to eat the beast after it thaws and have a barbecue. He also notes in his field diary that "DNA may deteriorate with the passage of time even after freezing, but the meat still tastes delicious."

"I have been hunting for a fully intact mammoth for the better part of 20 years enduring -50° temperatures and eating cold soup. I've really let my body go to hell. At first I wanted to study the mammoth, analyze its DNA- answer some of the questions that have been hounding me since my college research days but when I finally discovered a live mammoth to my surprise I found myself and the others salivating over what could technically be enough meat to eat for the rest of my life if properly stored."

The thawing process isn't as simple as leaving a frozen chicken breast on your kitchen table for the afternoon and then cooking it when you get home from work. On the contrary, Buigues and his team are using several high-powered hair dryers to speed up the process.

"Ultimately we want to be able to dice up the meat into football-sized steaks and use the Ronco Rotisserie Oven & BBQ to do the bulk of the cooking. Ron Popeil is a Epicurean genius. The 'Set it and forget it' Automatic Timer has got to be the most memorable culinary appliance add-on of the century."

	Researchers making sure meat is thoroughly cooked before taste-testing

Buigues is hesitant to give out the whereabouts and timeliness of his Jurassic feast but claims he is going to invite rapper Dr. Dre as an honorary gesture because "that barbecue that's going on in the 'Nothin' but a G thang' video is off da hook! Dre looks like he knows how to have a barbecue and would definitely appreciate a side of mammoth smothered in hickory-smoked BBQ sauce."

Originally funded entirely by the Discovery Channel, the entire mammoth expedition project was abruptly pulled and re-sponsored by the Food Network who intends to incorporate the dethawing and grilling with an Iron Chef tie-in. Food Network executive Larry Tartar believes that "the Japanese show a knack for eating endangered species and have historically shown wanton disregard for the animal kingdom— after all they eat shark fin soup and still hunt whales— so this fits right in with their ideologies." Ratings are expected to be double than normal.

As for Buigues, he shrugs off all the attention he's been getting in the media and methodically plods on with his Salon Studio hair drier slowly revealing centimeter after centimeter of prehistoric flesh.

"I keep thinking marinade or just brush-on seasonings... Its an internal struggle right now, but I know once its time to fire up the grill I should have a better control over my faculties."

Fred Flintstone would be jealous, although if you ask Buiguies he'll be sure to tell you mammoth tenderloin would put even the best brontosaurus burger to shame.

Editor's Note: NRA spokesperson Charlton Heston contributed to this article.