CHANGE THE AMERICAN NATIONAL ANTHEM TO OZZY OSBOURNE'S CRAZY TRAIN!
an EasyMidget editorial by
Peter Diddler, Overly Concerned Citizen

I've had it with this 'O Say Can You See' crap! Do you know what I'm talking about? How many times have we heard Kenny Loggins butcher our proud country's national anthem during a Toledo Mudhens game forcing us to begin choking on a $2.50 hot dog out of pure anger? Well, I've had it! I become infuriated holding my hand over my heart while some tone-deaf twit tries to add their very own special artistic yodel to Francis Scot Key's sappy homo-erotic love ode between a man and a flag. These days the only time we hear the national anthem is before sporting events— and when you hear "The Star-Spangled Banner" next to "We Will Rock You" and "Who Let The Dogs Out" it just sounds far too dusty for modern times. Lets face it— any song that uses the word 'O' and isn't followed by 'P.P.' is just not down wit' me.

There is only one solution as far as I'm concerned: Change our great country's national anthem to Ozzy Osbourne's Crazy Train.

Not only will you be able to actually sing along with this new anthem, but what a great song to drink to! Just thinking about it makes me want to slam back a couple of cold ones. Picture the frenzy that would erupt in the crowd during the 2004 Olympics for the 400 meter freestyle swimming event...Americans throwing their empty beer cans at the frightened denizens of the international community. Close your eyes to envision Ozzy Osbourne laughing demonically after screaming 'All Aboard!' and then the echoing "Aii - Aii - Aii - Aii" next to a thundering chop of a chord that progresses right into probably one of the best churning guitar riffs ever assembled? ...And this is just speculation but I'm almost certain Crazy Train would also make a seamless transition to the brass section of any high school orchestra.

Osbourne outdoes even Thomas Jefferson when says:

Crazy, but that's how it goes
Millions of people living as foes
Maybe it's not to late
To learn how to love
And forget how to hate

He goes on poetically through introspective inspiration:

Mental wounds still screaming
Driving me insane
I'm going off the rails
On a crazy train

Granted, Osbourne is a Brit himself, but he's spent enough time in his day touring the U.S. so that's consolation enough for me. Any man willing bite a head off of a live dove in the name of commercialism is more American than any of us could ever aspire to be.

Friends, the America I envision is of pimped out Mustangs and freshly waxed Camaros rolling down Main Streets with Crazy Train being pumping out of their obnoxiously over-amped stereo systems. People of all ages would stop what they were immediately doing and kick someone's ass just for the hell of it out of nationalistic pride.

I'm almost certain that had Crazy Train been written during Vietnam things would have turned out differently. Please join me in writing your local Congressman and telling him of the great sorrow you feel over our current national anthem and what Ozzy Osbourne's metallic ballad would mean for our country's zeal and well being.

Thank you, and rock on.