FORGETTABLE MOMENTS IN MORONDOM:
Dan Rather and the 2000 Election
by G. Munny

	A jovial Dan Rather relaxes shirtless during a commercial break for the CBS Evening News

Anyone who has watched the CBS Evening News knows Dan Rather is a boob. That's a given. But most people do not realize what a monumental boob he is. The night of the presidential election this past fall Rather opened his big book of insipid cliches, and secured his place in the Moron Hall of Fame.

Normally, Rather drones on in a bland monotone that you just sort of shut out while you try to enjoy your Mrs. Paul's fishsticks after a hard day of work. And on the night of November 7th, 2000 he certainly began in this manner, but as confusing results trickled in from across the country as the night wore on, his monotone changed into a bizarre, rambling spew of bullshit and nonsense. I am so happy to have witnessed it. It was like stumbling into some half-empty night club where the Sex Pistols are holding an impromptu free concert. Bliss.

With less than 1% of the Florida vote in, CBS had declared Gore the winner of that state. Several hours later, when that race became too close to call, Rather wigged out. "This race is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O," he said. He actually said that. He then pointed to some statistical chart and said, "This will show you how tight it is - it's spandex tight." And a little bit later, "[Chances are slim or none] if he doesn't carry Florida, Slim will have left town."

Say what?

At one time or another on election night Rather is quoted to have said the following:
"Turn the lights down, the party just got wilder."
"He swept through the South like a tornado through a trailer park."
"[In a previous election] they counted the votes until the cows had literally gone to sleep."
"This race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach."
"He's going to find that people will hang on him like a coat rack."
"Al Gore has his back to the wall, shirt tails on fire with this race in Florida."
"It's about as complicated as a wiring diagram to some dynamo."
"We're going to go to some of those longnecks from a long time ago."
"When it comes to a race like this, I'm a long distance runner and an all day hunter."
"It's the American way: if you don't vote, you don't get to whine."

When a junior reporter ventured an opinion, Rather shut her up by saying, "If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a hand gun."

Say what?

As the night dragged into the wee hours, the bullshit just kept flowing.
"Frankly we don't know whether to wind the watch or to bark at the moon."
"This race is as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a 57 Ford [or Chevy]."
"Don't bet the trailer money yet."
"This election swings like one of those pendulum things."

At one point he even referred to his CBS colleague Bob Schieffer as "Deputy Dog."

But my favorite was "What we know is that there will be no decision until some of those races are decided." Right Dan. Right.

And the last thing I remember him saying is "When the going gets weird, anchor men punt."

Right...