MARLBORO INTRODUCES METER-LONG CIGARETTE
by Shamus McNugget, EasyMidget staff reporter

The new Marlboro 1000 has smokers wondering "how many meters are there in a Marlboro mile?"

Not since corporate geniuses put conditioner and shampoo into that same bottle has there been such a compelling marketing campaign as Marlboro's new brand of cigarette. Marlboro 1000s have just hit the streets, folks. When are you going to smoke yours?

Responding to an outpouring of requests from customers who complained their cigarettes just weren't long enough, tobacco giant William Morris did the obvious thing by unveiling the first-ever meter long cigarette— the Marlboro 1000— a hefty 91% longer than the average cigarette. This is great news for anyone who thinks smoking has become taboo in that last couple of years. It's the spice that the tobacco industry needs right now in the face of a malicious reputation for causing wanton death.

In a lot of ways this falls in line with previous industry promotions like the wide-mouth beer trend that we saw last year, where bigger is seen as better. A recent Marlboro press releases scoffed "...for the next 6 months or so we'll see competitors try to unleash 1.5 meter and even 3 US-Servey feet-long cigarettes or attempts to disguise the actual length of the cigarette by using an obscure unit of measure like an angstrom or a furlong to make it seem bigger- but no one can compare with ours..." Marlboro is banking that the 1000 is here to stay and won't end up as a kitsch blip in pop-culture history. The press release goes on to say: "The 1000 looks specifically cooler when smoked alongside a 40 oz bottle of beer. Bigger bottles-bigger cigarettes- its really fucking obvious. Aiiiight!!"

In a brash new advertising campaign we are confronted with the idea that James Dean would have looked much cooler with a meter-long cigarette dangling out of his mouth and could very well still be alive today had it been for the this phenomenon.

In fact the Marlboro 1000 is so long that most people have to put it out half way and then return to it later to finish up. Its like having leftovers... A Marlboro test-subject exclaimed "I refrigerate mine when I can't smoke no more and then smoke it the next morning. It's so cool and refreshing. Its just like smoking a menthol except you don't have those tiny fiberglass particles piercing your lungs."

Chain smokers, or "real smokers" as avid tobaccanist Harvey Brickman exclaimed "[Only a pussy] would put away a 1000 for later on. Americans are too damn wasteful already- just finish that thing up and fire up another one."

Brickman went on to say, "With the old style of chain smoking, there was always that uncomfortable shock my body went through between cigarettes when I was forced to breathe in clean oxygen. This way my lungs get a constant supply of the precious smoke they need to thrive all the time." He soon after corrected himself for using the plural "lungs" as one of his lungs had just recently failed.

The release of the Marlboro 1000 is also great news for chain smokers who smoke while eating. "Oh its great- before I had to snuff out the cigarette, fidget around to find another cigarette and light it- while trying to shovel food into my mouth. This way one smoke can last an entire four course meal." Even environmentalists are touting this new idea as they see it as a trade-off because there are less butts to litter and smokers would use less lighter fuel by lighting fewer cigarettes.

Smoker Ted Billows is also excited about meter-long cigarettes — "One regular sized cigarette only takes me 1 minute 23 seconds to suck down. These new ciggies have clocked in at around 4:03:14 in tests which means I get an extra 3 minutes or so of break time outside! What better way to enjoy a beautiful day than by inhaling smoke? In a lot of ways it mimics man's early days when they sat around a great fire inhaling its exhaust telling hunting stories."

Obviously there is more tobacco in a Marlboro 1000 so you would expect to pay more right? Well, the company has decided to sell them as singles so one 1000 will cost the same as a pack of cigarettes does today. They are very delicate because of their length. You almost need to find a nice shady tree and take great care and effort into smoking- A pasttime that was lost long ago when people started walking and smoking at the same time. Partiers will also be excited to know that this oral fixation also takes on larger positive psychological identities associated with phallic objects.

"Girls look at me a lot more..." twitches Billows, who has visibly consumed enough nicotine so that his eyeballs have assumed a lilac color. We can only imagine how much more enjoyable that cigarette after sex is going to be...