THE DOCKTER IS IN...

The Lovedockter himself- Herbie Sweet

My dear friends, the path to a righteous and fulfilling life is right around the corner. Sometimes we need a little help from our friends. That's why I'm here for you— the Lovedockter.

Every month I watch the Oxygen Network while paticipating in tantric masturbation in order to assume the state of mind needed to assist you on your love journey. Come, let us see what the cosmic mailbag o' fun has in store for us this month!

Dear Lovedockter,
My husband and I do a lot of role-playing in the bedroom. He wants me to do the usual: French maid, nurse, cowgirl, and etc. I, however, always want him to play the role of Papa Smurf. It really turns me on but I don't know why. Any ideas?

J. Lopez
Provincetown, MA

Talk about a case of the blue-balls! The Smurfs are little blue creatures with hats the shape of mushroom tips. Most adolescent girls subconsciously associate the Smurfs with erect penises, so it is no surprise that you would wish to include them into your sex life. Also, the Smurf village is entirely male with the sole exception of Smurfette, so I am guessing you harbor some sort of repressed gang-bang fantasy...although there's something wonderful about all that happy singing the smurfs did.

Dear Lovedockter,
Studies have shown that 80% of penises hang to the left. Mine hangs to the right. What does this mean?

P. Daddy
Pierre, SD

Studies also show that 80% of all people are right-handed. Adolescent males spend so much time pleasuring themselves that the penis arches to the left in a vain attempt to escape the endless beating it receives. Owners of right-bending penises are either lefties (who I do not trust) or losers who have failed to adequately pleasure themselves. You are one of these "failed seekers" and you disgust me.

Dear Lovedockter,
I recently purchased a Ukrainian mail-order bride for $15,000. Did I get ripped off?

R. Nader.
Mudflap, FL

You certainly could have bought one cheaper from a Bangkok brothel or suchlike. But disease makes these women bottom-feeders on the great mail-order food chain. Ukrainian women, on the other hand, with their wide birthing hips and Communist education make for good submissive housewives. Keep in mind though that most of these women expect their husbands to be violent alcoholics. She will expect to be beaten regularly and will think less of you if you fail to do so. Finally, assuming you can stomach boiled potatoes with every meal (which I always recommend over meat) then I would say your fifteen grand was probably well spent.

Dear Lovedockter,
I am an 85 year-old Amish buggy maker with a foot fetish for leg-less amputees. Am I weird?

T.Paper
Sisterlust, PA

Not at all. In fact, you are the mainstream Easymidget reader. Welcome home. I do have an idea that your fetish may have something to do with how you shoe horses though.

Dear Lovedockter,
Several months ago my wife and I, in an attempt to spice up our sex life, agreed to fulfill each other's fantasies. Hers involved a jar of mayonnaise and a half-pound of bologna. I won't go into details; suffice it to say we both learned a lot about ourselves. My fantasy involves a dead cat and she adamantly refuses to reciprocate. I have explained to her that it cannot be bestiality if the animal is dead. Am I in the right?

A.Roosevelt
Williamsburg, VA

You could not be more in the right, my friend. I have been including dead cats in my own sex life since I tortured my first Siamese in kindergarten. Furthermore, your wife is something of a hypocrite by suggesting bologna (dead piggy!) is somehow different from a dead cat. If she refuses to satisfy you, I hear Ukrainian mail-order brides are pretty reasonable.

Thank you my friends. Be sure to tune in next month. God bless!