ZEN AND THE ART OF MIDGET MAINTENANCE
By Anonymous

Contrary to what you might hear at a bar, having your own midget brings with it a good deal of responsibility. Midgets can stand only so much neglect and misuse before their miniature bodies shut down for good. This is not the end-all-be-all guide to midget care but it covers the basics and that's what's important.

For a longer-lasting midget, preventative maintenance is key

The most important thing to remember is that your midget is NOT machine-washable. Midgets are human beings. They must be hand washed in the sink with a bit of Woolite. Just be sure to turn them inside out so that their colors don’t fade. Never tumble-dry or iron your midget as this could result in even further shrinkage.

Never clean with benzene, insecticides or other volatile materials as they may corrode your midget.

To reduce the risk of fire or electric shock, do not expose your midget to rain or moisture (this is especially important if your midget is acting as your bathroom attendant.) When driving, position your midget within easy reach- preferably in the cup-holder. Be able to access him without removing your eyes from the road.

If your midget does not operate properly - in particular, if there are any unusual sounds or smells emitting from him - hog-tie him immediately and contact an authorized service center.

Never feed your midget Miracle Grow or Major League Baseball-endorsed anabolic steroids.

Do not make the mistake of getting too friendly with your midget. A midget needs a regular spanking. I administer mine just after having sex with my wife. It sure beats smoking a stinky cigarette. (Spare the rod, spoil the midget)

Always wear protective gloves when wrangling your midget.

Midgets need exercise! They like to jump through burning hoops, ride unicycles and frolic with bearded ladies. Consider playing carnival music while they get their daily exercise (they adore “Una Paloma Blanca” by Slim Whitman) - it reminds them of their years on the freak show circuit.

Midgets are not dwarves. Dwarves can pound beer like frat boys, but midgets get sullen and violent when they drink. Statistics show most midget-on-midget violence involves alcohol.

	Don't let your midget near machinery or electronics unsupervised

I recommend buying used. As soon as you drag your midget off the lot, his value drops dramatically. Most people would never be caught dead with an old broken down midget, but I have found that proper maintenance can bring years of satisfaction.

While midgets are not citizens, and have not been afforded any human rights, there is no reason to abuse one in your possession. Most counties provide some sort of holding pen should you need a break from the rigors of midget ownership.

Finally, remember to rub your midget’s tummy to reinforce good behavior. A happy midget is a healthy midget.

Good luck in your midgetry!