LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
by the editor

We often dream of getting bags upon bags of mail like when Santa Claus was on trial in "Miracle on 34th Street" but this is the 21st century, damnit and snail-mail is a thing of the past. And we only got one mail message worthy of printing this month, so here it is in its entirety. We believe that EasyMidget should be a forum for the insane to preach their theories and swear as often as possible. Here is this month's best letter:

Shame on you, EasyMidget! With "Zen and the Art of Midget Maintenance" [EasyMidget # 4 (July)] you have sunk to a new low and in the process kicked Robert Pirsig in the groin. Mr. Pirsig wrote "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" which changed my life.

Ever since I have taken it upon myself to defend the "Zen and the Art of..." literary convention against the onslaught of Johnny come Zen-ly's (Like YOU!!!!) who would dilute the convention with bastardizations. Unfortunately, Mr. Pirsig refuses to speak with me, so legal action cannot be taken presently, but I hope that you have enough respect for Mr. Pirsig's tour de force that you will voluntarily change this highly offensive title. As an inducement, I here provide some alternatives:

• The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Midget Managers
• Midgets are From Venus, Midget Owners are from Mars
• Mein Midgeten
• If you can't stand the Midget, get out of the Kitchen!
• Roses are Red, Midgets are whatever color you decide to paint them.
• All I really need to know I learned from my Midget
• Midgets for Dummies

See there, Mr. EasyMidget, you soulless nebbish! I came up with 8 titles that didn't offend or rip off Mr. Pirsig, and I wasn't even thinking that hard!!!! What is that you have against Mr. Pirsig that you want to pick on him so mercilessly? Mr. Pirsig has always been a great friend to the Midget Community, having only friendly things to say about Midgets and other diminutive folks. He is even on record favoring voting rights for Midgets!

If Mr. Pirsig knew how unkind you and your little friends have been to his literary progeny, I'm sure he would support this letter 100%. Mr. Pirsig is a beautiful man with beautiful hair and a delicate constitution. He lives a quiet life away from the limelight, because he couldn't stand to see 'Zen and the Art of..." perverted by fly-by-night hucksters who think it makes them seem au courant. All I want to do is give a big hug and tell him that everything will be O.K.

If he only knew, knew how much I cared, if he only knew that I'm not one of YOU! If he knew that he never would have gotten the restraining order, I never would have been arrested, I never would have been on probation. Now I can't go see him, or even write to him or else I'll go to jail for three years. Three years!!!!!!! Zen and the Art of: Midget Maintenance (you!), Rock Gardens (Modern Homemaking Magazine, a bunch of randy whores), Avoiding an IRS Audit (Meissner's Tax Adviser, let's just say David Meissner will never try that again!!!!),

I can't go on!!! These have destroyed my life, and seriously hampered my efforts to establish a close personal bond with Mr. Pirsig. Next time, before you publish some "clever" (haha) variation of 'Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance' on your "website" (laugh!), ask yourself "What has this beautiful man, with manly yet gentle hands, expressive eyes that you could get lost in forever, and a loving quiet demeanor, ever done to me?". Ask yourself "Do I want to drag his name through the mud, when I know I should be bowing at his feet?"

Ask yourself, as I do "How would this affect Mr. Pirsig?" It's a simple question, one that even a stupid, deformed little reject midget like you can figure out!!!!!

Sincerely,

Carl Olston
House of Mercy
Room 24
Minneapolis, MN