THE EASYMIDGET MISSION STATEMENT
by the EasyMidget Top Management

• We exist to resurrect the Cleveland punk rock scene.
• We strive for a world where the poor and needy remain out of sight and out of mind.
• We pray for a world where children in sweatshops shut their mouths and focus on the work before them.
• We insist on human rights for all English speaking peoples.
• We promote soft porn with lots of airbrushing.
• We believe every man, woman and child ought to wear a helmet at all times.
• We believe Mike Tyson’s commitment to Islam is as genuine as his commitment to rape.
• We believe people who trick-out Honda Civics ought to be publicly flogged.
• We believe bathing is an unnatural act that depletes the skin of needed oils and makes the soul vulnerable to demonic possession.
• We reject all Disney characters as acceptable tattoos.
• We resoundingly boycott all businesses with clever names.
• We demand reparations from Hollywood for having subjected the American public to Gerard Depardieu’s nose.
• We affirm the right of every citizen to government-subsidized sodomy.
• We support the reinstatement of the gulag system in Russia.
• We believe the Koran is the inerrant word of God Almighty, except where it is wrong. We promote its non-wrongness.
• We hold self-evident the truth that the truth is not self-evident.
• We believe enemas are the key to all enlightenment.