WHY DO CATS PURR?
Scientific report by EasyMidget mad scientist - Dr. E. Burton Wilson

Why cat's purr has been a mystery to science for years...until now.

I was lounging around one day watching the Christian Healers / Shopping Network when my cat, Mr. Pussy climbed on my lap. He began purring for no good reason, and as I started massaging his feline fur I began to ponder this scientific enigma. Purring, or "kittie ecstasy" is quite common among household cats. Cats do it because they are happy, yes... but why do they do it? I decided to find out for myself.

I have always said: "We have put a man on the moon yet we cannot decipher this cryptic purring thing." Well, let me lay your fears to rest, un-scientific citizen. Unlike the moon-landing, which is a hoax, scientists on American soil (namely, me!) beat the Russians in finding the true cause of purring!

I took Mr. Pussy into my laboratory and removed his head with a wine-screw. From there I was able to hook up some very high-tech-looking wires, calibrators, and purr-monitors in a matter of minutes.

	The "purr-organ" solves the mystery of purring

Time was precious as Mr. Pussy began to flat-line. With the help of my lobotomized assistant, Jed, I quickly jammed a tongue depressor into the tube that once carried fresh blood into Mr. Pussy's brain. Jed provided ample lighting by aiming the kerosene lamp in proper directions. It was not longafter that I discovered the purring organ, which I have officially named the "Purr Organ" in my notes. It is in fact a misshapen jelly-like object covered in blood. I pulled it out examined it, noted its properties and stuffed it back into its original place next to a pulsating artery and a strange stringy thing. Jed applied sutures to soak up the blood and I reattached Mr. Pussy's head with some fishing line and rusty hat-pin.

So why do cat's purr? Maybe you should go back and re-read that last fact-filled paragraph! Because of the purr-organ! My findings are quite concise and decisively close the book in the purr-theory controversy as far as I'm concerned. Chalk that one up in my Big Book of Scientific Stuff!

	All of Dr. Wilson's experiments are in the name of pure science

Mr. Pussy, I can assure you is alive and well. He rests atop my shelf in attack position and holds my entire collection of Edgar Allen Poe novels upright. I have noted my findings in this month's issue of "Illegal Science Monthly". While there are some in the scientific community who would label me a "quack" and a "hopeless loon", say as they must, I have never turned my back on the Hippocratic oath ever! Any small animal or helpless, mentally-crippled human I have taken in to my laboratory with open arms and I have made more acceptable in society's eyes through the aid of my science. This antipathy towards my work is of course understandable in the wake of such mad-capped scientific pursuits such as "a cure for cancer" and "human rights" being in the public's favor. I will remind you, however that now-acclaimed geniuses like Galileo and Rerun from "What's Happenin'" were once regarded as pariahs but now grace the pages of your child's fourth-grade history book!

Till we meet again on our scientific journey!

All proceeds from this story go to the maintenance of the Mad Scientist museum in Biloxi, Mississippi.