NOT THE KIND YOU FIND AT A SECOND-HAND STORE: THE RASPBERRY BERETS
by Iceface Ventura, EasyMidget Military Liaison

The Raspberry Berets are not to be fucked with. They are hardcore motherfuckers.

The debate will always rage: who will kill who? Green Beret vs.Navy Seal, Incredible Hulk vs Al Sharpton, but has it ever crossed your mind that there exists a unit so highly trained, specialized, and organized that the A-Team itself looks like cotton candy next to it? That's right: The Raspberry Berets!

Are they tough enough? You bet they are.

The Raspberry Berets, once a disco-funk quartet from Topeka, Kansas are a special unit of our government's U.S. Military. They are called in for when matters of utmost urgency arise on the front lines that couldn't be handled by anyone else. Someone's been stealing extra copies of the base newsletter... some cadet has folded his laundry incorrectly... someone is using a salad fork with their dinner at the mess hall.

With rules of conduct as strict as a spelling bee, the raspberry berets are an elusive and relished unit. You can see for yourself that the qualifications are harsh:

• No using cuss words or foul language at any time.
• Learn and memorize the National Anthem.
• Marching must always begin on the left foot with a happy skip at every fourth pace.
• Avoid hand-to-hand combat of all types, unless it involves slapping.
• It is mandatory to hum high school marching band songs at all times when it combat.
• Learn and memorize the Raspberry Beret Secret Handshake
• All cadets must be trained survivalist skills that include eating food out of a tube like they do in space and sleeping outdoors in a sleeping bag.
• Raspberry Berets can choose a variety of skills to pursue while members of the academy for merit: High-Risk Gardening, Full-Contact Lambada, and Competitive Scrabble
• Cleanliness is a top priority. Appearance should be of the highest caliber at all times. Pains must be taken to wash and clean even the most unfriendly hostage and see that their hair "looks proper."

	Cadets are responsible for maintaining a strict code of cleanliness in the base bunk house.

"Those guys are fucking dangerous," a high-ranking Pentagon official who asked to remain anonymous was quoted as saying.

Special Forces soldiers are the Army's cutting edge. Only the most technically proficient and highly-motivated noncommissioned officers will ever wear the Raspberry Beret's tab. If you want to be challenged like you've never been challenged before, Raspberry Berets is the field for you

Do you have the guts to be a Raspberry Beret? Ask yourself this soldier— Can you afford not to?