RIPKEN TO FANS: STOP MAKING ME CRY!
By Mookie Fingers

Cal Ripken has announced his retirement after some 20 years in the big leagues. Being a reporter for the number one source for midget sporting news - EasyMidget, we felt it was only necessary to follow Cal around in his final days of playing and jot down some notes and thoughts about baseball's true Iron-Man.

Cal Ripken at the not-so-hot corner.

The following are thoughts as dictated directly from my mini tape recorder that I brought with me:

June 23: After game against Angels, Ripken goes to local Denny's in uniform and tries to score free food by saying he's "going to the hall of fame". Demands Moons Over My Hammy. Suddenly begins sobbing.

June 26: Arlington, Texas: Ripken breaks down crying in locker room before game against Rangers. Takes off cap and bows to hearty applause from teammates in shower. Weepy Ripken is at a loss for words and sits out game with clogged tear-duct.

June 27: Ripken has cried through the night and his eyes look tired. Told me he slept with his bat. Complains of wrist pain. Apparently he was perpetually making the motion of taking off his cap for a big cheer during his sleep. Lost control of bladder.

June 28: Ripken, After pumping gas at a local Anaheim Quik-Mart takes off his cap for applause from other customers. Feigning embarrassment, he gets teary-eyed and screeches off into the night without paying.

June 30: Ripken has lost all eye-hand coordination related to playing third base. On a routine grounder to third Ripken snagged the ball and instead of throwing to first, took off his cap and bowed to the crowd. The crowd loved this. MLB Commissioner Bud Selig commented afterwards that "this is so great for baseball." Despite losing specifically because of that play Ripken is given a huge standing ovation after the game.

July 1: Plans for Cal Ripken Municipal Garden Of Male Sobbing underway in Baltimore. Weeping Willows abound.

July 2: Ripken calls press conference to state he "loves a good drama, and taking off my cap every game and getting a big cheer is what I love. I love to cry, what can I say."

July 3: Fox Sports announcer Joe Buck takes off Cal's spikes and licked his toes on national television to the music of the Village People. Buck said it was a "great honor" to lick Ripken's toes and he remarked how Ripken's feet tasted like sugar.

	"Get me some Kleenex, I think I'm gonna cry."

July 4: Ripken held another press conference to announce that he is 16 days into his retirement. After asking if there were any questions he began weeping and took off his cap but was too weak to go on.

July 10: Ripken begins signing autographs: "Farewell. Your friend, Cal"

July 12: Finalized book deal for autobiography: "Cal Ripken: Cry Like A Man"

July 13: Athlete-hero worship has reached its pinnacle in Baseball America. Golden statue of Ripken is erected at local church and mass orgies of hedonism ensue

July 14: This is all becoming too much for me to handle. Being so close to a living legend has given me a low opinion of myself. I am thinking of retiring from the sports writing business. When I do, I will be sure to let everyone know two years in advance to remind them every day of the minor contributions I made to sports writing ten years ago. I don't know about you, but this reporter will be sure to cry like a man and take off my hat a lot.

editors note — Ewoks contributed to this article.