HIKER CLAIMS MALICE IN SLIP-AND-FALL CASE VERSUS MOUNTAIN
By Timmy Peachpit, Outdoors Editor

	Artist's rendition of the proposed safety cone system to take place on Mount Kinsman

You may have thought you've heard everything when it comes to outlandish legal proceedings, but this takes the cake: A man from Boston, Massachusetts is alleging that on a recent hiking trip to the White Mountains of New Hampshire the injury he sustained tripping over a root on his descent of Mount Kinsman was clearly a malicious act on the part of the mountain and he is seeking $1,000,000,000.31 in punitive damages.

Vern Johnson, the recipient of the injury, is also crusading a movement that would provide adequate lighting all the way up the mountain and the placing of orange emergency cones on all rocks encountered on the path with the help of Mothers For Safer Mountains.

Mick Hatfield, a ranger at the Mt. Kinsman ranger station expressed concerns because there are literally hundreds of thousands of rocks that cover the paths of Mt. Kinsman and that there's "no way [he's] carrying all those fucking cones up there."

Mr. Johnson's legal team has recently made statements that seem to implicate top New Hampshire government officials as "irresponsible, insipid, and fat" with the latter having no real relation to the case at hand it was just thrown in "to instigate a cat fight."

Bill Johnson has not been speaking to the press regarding this matter, but he has issued a press-release indicating that mountains don't comply with the Americans With Disability Act and that the government fully knew this before opening the region to hikers but did nothing about it. "I have suffered severe emotional duress because of this incident that could have been solved long ago with some preventative maintenance." Johnson's statement was peppered with expletives and strange uses of emoticons- popular in internet chat rooms.

All early reports indicate that the government may settle out of court in order to avoid a messy debacle in the public eye. Mt. Kinsman has been designated for demolishment and will be turned into a prairie.