TRAFFIC: THE SECOND-WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR
by Uletta Fardi

We can all agree that the worst movie of the year was anything Sandra Bullock weaseled her way into.

The second worst movie of the year was Traffic.

Sitting through Traffic is the most sorrowful experience I have had since being slapped around by John Denver at a folk-music festival in Mexico City.

Just about every pot smoker in the country got giddy at the news that a big budget Hollywood anti-war-on-drugs film was coming out. Myself included. But then I saw the damn thing. This movie perpetuates every stupid stereotype about drug use imaginable -- I am sure it was made by a couple of cloistered nuns who haven’t seen the light of day since they got knocked up by their fathers in the 1950’s and shuffled off to the convent.

For starters, the dealers (all black of course) are living in the most burned-out ghetto I have ever seen in a movie. Now I have bought a lot of drugs in my time and I can tell you that the black dealers I know have nice homes in the suburbs, Cadillacs in the driveway and excellent Cuban cigars in the walk-in humidor.

Michael Douglas is "sassy"

One of the central figures in this retarded soap opera is a fifteen year old girl from a very wealthy family who mainlines heroin and within hours is gladly whoring herself for more. Please. This is the dumbest turn of events of the whole shitty movie. She is a rich girl who lives in a mansion, for chrissakes. She has more ready cash than most middle-class adults have in their retirement accounts. Rich kids don’t whore themselves for drugs, THEY BUY THEM!

Not to mention the fact that nobody in the history of the world has ever gotten hooked as fast as this girl does.

The Mexican police are corrupt. The Mexican army is corrupt. But the American drug czar is the naïve and loving father of (guess who!) the girl whoring herself for money in the ghetto. Midway through the movie I vomited in my lap - I am still not sure if it was the “biggie size” triple-butter popcorn or this god-awful film I had wasted seven dollars on.

This is the worst movie since Melanie Griffith starred in "Daddy, I Don't Like It Like This" (1978). Which reminds me of when I was a small child and the priest was fondling me. I would try to think of a happy place. This technique got me through molestation but it did not get me through Traffic.

I walked out just as Benicio Del Toro muttered some incomprehensible Spanish. This son-of-a-bitch better learn to enunciate or someday soon people are going to wake up and realize that mumbling is not an acting style, and he’ll be out of a job.

I give Traffic 2 1/5 stars of a possible 5 16/19 stars.