CAPTAIN CRUNCH IS A SACK OF SHIT
by the guy who likes to say "Motherfucker" a lot

	Captain Crunch is a sally-ass pussy and you heard it hear first!

Captain Crunch should be tortured, killed, and then burned in front of a live audience. He's a pathetic representation of the United States' armed forces and is not demonstrative of the first class military we have in this country. I bought that motherfucker's cereal the other day and it tasted like shit. It was pure sugar and it cleaned by bowels right out. In anger, I thought, "Just look at that fuck... how in the hell did that motherfucker get to be Captain anyway?"

By suckin' somebody's dick, that's how.

Let me ask you something — Would you want motherfuckin' Captain Crunch commanding our country's troops in a war? Hell no! Captain Crunch can't command control of his own mustache grooming, let alone fight a war. And just what is he the captain of, the British Navy? Motherfucker's dressed like some Admiral Horatio Nelson. To me he's more like some second-rate Craig T. Nelson dressed in a low grade Hollywood pirate get-up.

The simple fact that we are to address him as "Cap'n" and not "Captain" sends up a few red flags for me. I don't know about you.

I see that guy on TV always carryin' a bowl of his Crunch around with him trying to force kids to taste it, like its some sort of breakfast narcotic pedofile...and where's motherfucker's gun, huh? How a captain gonna shoot some motherfucker without no gun? Shit, if you ask me, that motherfucker should be thrown in the brig and made an example of in front of all the other troops.

Please disregard the fact that this is a box of Cap'n Crunch from 1982; Instead focus your energies on envisioning Chuck Norris as the All-New Cap'n.

Do we really trust our country's military secrets in the hands of this goofy motherfucker? Motherfucker ain't no special forces motherfucker.

He ain't no Chuck Norris motherfucker! I say if the VC ever got a hold of Captain Crunch out in the bush, that motherfucker would cry like a baby and spill military secrets to the enemy like there was no tomorrow before they even pulled one of his testicles off. What a cowardly sack of motherfuckin shit. To me, I want Chuck Norris on my box of motherfuckin' cereal instead... A guy who's not afraid to slit some bastard's throat in order to get some respect, and what's more he hangs out with Suzanne Somers.

Damn, I'd like to meet that Suzanne Somers. I don't care if she had the liposuction done to her, she's still one hot spicy number.