THE LOVEDOCKTER IS IN...
by the Lovedockter, Herbie Sweet

The Lovedockter himself- Herbie Sweet

My dear friends, the path to a righteous and fulfilling life is right around the corner. Sometimes we need a little help from our friends. That's why I'm here for you— the Lovedockter.

For this month's collumn I thought I'd draw inspiration from my recent purchase of "The Clapper." It made me think about self-reliance and personal motivation. I like to think that I'm applauding myself when I turn on the lights with my clapping. I think "You know what's best, Herbie!"... and that's why I give the advice my friends.

Dear Lovedockter,
I have been looking for a good wooden Vietnamese spin-fuck table for quite some time now. Stainless steel tables seem to be everywhere. Any ideas?

G. Coleman
Santa Monica, CA

Consider picking up a used one on the cheap. Cruise on over to your local gay
bathhouse -- those good folks always have an extra toy lying around. Personally, I prefer my stainless steel 1974 Schwinn High Roller spin-fuck table. It's got a racing stripe and its shiny top is great for spotting crabs and pubic lice.

Dear Lovedockter,
I recently become a Grand Master in the United Freemasons of America. I thought women would be throwing themselves at me, but that hasn’t happened. What can I do?

D. Duke
New Orleans, LA

Two words: sacrificial bloodletting.

Dear Lovedockter,
My partner takes a prescription medication regularly. If I swallow his semen during oral sex, will the medication get into my system too?

T. Cruise
Beverly Hills, CA

Experts assure me only trace elements of a drug will make their way into your system. However, many young women who have had the pleasure of performing fellatio on The Lovedockter have a dazed, glassy-eyed look to them when they're finished. I cannot say for sure whether it's the sheer size of The Lovedockter's penis or the bovine growth hormone I inject into it to get it that big.

Dear Lovedockter,
As a birthday gift to myself I had a foreskin transplant. Foreskins become available when someone dies and leaves his foreskin to science. I feel like a whole person again but my wife is horrified. She refuses to have anything to do with "that dead man's flap". Help!

H. Ford
Detroit, MI

Throughout history foreskins have been blamed for everything from the Black Plague to the rise of pop music's "boy bands". Someone has to stop the madness! The Lovedockter wants you to hold your ground. "That dead man's flap" is all we have left.