FANTASY ISLAND FOOTBALL
by John Madden's Areola, EasyMidget sports analyst

Most sports fans are familiar with fantasy football— a game based on scoring points from actual statistics in NFL games, but only recently have gamers been flocking to a new, more liberating game, Fantasy Island Football. Television-lovers will remember the show that brought us endearing performances by Ricardo Montalban as the affable Mr. Roarke and the overpowering acting prowess of pint-size Herve Villechaize as Tattoo.

Now game fanatics everywhere can get into the action online in a game that combines the dramatic onscreen magic of Fantasy Island with the strategic intellect of Fantasy Football. Put Ricardo Montalban in at Quarterback or Wide Receiver? Herve Villechaize at Running Back or Tight End? The possibilities are limitless!

A smiling and helmet-less Herve Villechaize makes a break for a first down before getting tattooed (no pun intended) by a defensive back

Just to give you an idea of the kind of intensity that's involved in Fantasy Island Football we thought we'd go right to the source: the actual players. Using our federal license to wiretap and monitor all online activity, EasyMidget was able to grab this snippet from a heated conversation between two players in a Fantasy Island Football league chat-room discussing strategy that Vince Lombardi himself would be at a loss to interpret:

IslandFan388: I'll trade you a Ricardo Montalban, a Herve Villechaize and another Ricardo Montalban for Three Herve Villechaizes

Tattoo_2001: What?? Are you crazy 3 Herves for a 2 Montalbans and a Herve? Are you on crack?! LOL ;)

IslandFan388: Haven't you been watching the reruns??? btw- Montalban is much more valuable... I'm cutting you a break because I'm your buddy!

Tattoo_2001: Fuck you! The trade's off. Besides Villechaize is prone to injury. He always tears his ACL this time of year. You're a fucking newbie! LOL :)

Spitfire O'Grady, a self-proclaimed "smash-mouth fantasy-island-football player" told us, "Fantasy Island Football is far superior to your standard fantasy football because it truly is a fantasy. Every Sunday afternoon I'm bored to death watching the likes of Peyton Manning and Marshall Faulk stink it up on the field. My fantastic imagination can transport me to a mystical land where I've conjured up a team comprised entirely of Herve Villechaizes and Ricardo Montalbans and now I've finally got something entertaining to do with myself."

"I love playing fantasy island football but sometimes fantasies should remain fantasies! The reality is that a team of all-Montalbans would be downright creepy!"

You're not in the Montalban Hall of Mirrors - you're in the ingenious mind of a Fantasy Island football player

Sadly, Herve Villechaize died by his own hand in 1993 at the age of 50 so O'Grady is correct in saying that this could only happen in our imaginations. But its that "what if" that really makes it such a great game.

Somewhere between Lollipop Land and Jurassic Park lies Fantasy Island and its idyllic brand of role-playing football. I'll tell you one thing: If its third and 5, I'm looking for my boy Herve on a down-and-in pattern right over the middle!