HIP FOR HALLOWEEN
What's Hot This Year
by Vin Baker

This year, try to be a little more creative than sheet-ghost

Last year's costume was a big success. I went as Jethro Clampett of the Beverly Hillbillies. I got laid that night in the "cement pond" by an older Mexican woman who, incidentally, looked remarkably like Ellie May when I turned the poolside lights out.

That ranks second only to my 1997 getup: Joe Camel with lung cancer. I shaved my head and lost 51 pounds to make it seem realistic. I was so thin that Sally Struthers asked me to play a starving child in one of her commercials.

People just love a good costume. I remember the time I dressed up like a homeless woman and stood on the corner of Grand and 22nd in Orlando beating a dead cat against a wall. Which got me almost as much attention as the Klansman outfit I wore to a hip-hop show in Detroit.

	Lets be frank: Halloween isn't as simple as throwing on some gear you bought

Anyway, you probably haven't given a bit of thought to what you'll do for a costume this year. Right? Well, that is because you are a miserable shit-for-knickers. What were you gonna do, cut two eyeholes out of a dirty sheet and go as a ghost? What's wrong with you, son?

Fear not, I am a genius -- good costume ideas come to me in bunches. My top ten costume ideas for this year are as follows:

1. Priest with blood on his crotch — if you can get an entourage of your friends to pose as altar boys with you, all the better!
   
   
2. Buddhist DJ — one minute you've got your rice bowl out in front of you bowing in silence, the next minute you're scratching up some trendy French house music on the turntables. This will shock partiers into an absolute frenzy.
   
   
3. Curt Cobain with a head wound — an added bonus: a sign on your back that says "Courtney did it".
   
   
4. Gay cowboy (buttless chaps mandatory) — did gay cowboys roam the American West in days of yore with holes cut in the back of their pants? Probably not, but they do at this party!
   
   

5. 	A Halloween favorite: DJ Smokin' Buddha throwin down some mad ill beats with da flava

   Louis Farrakhan eating a pork sandwich — Don't be a cheapskate- buy a real bowtie.
   
   
6. The Hamburglar (who, strangely enough, is a member of Louis Farrakhan's Nation of Islam) — Lets face it the Hamburglar will get you laid!
   
   
7. Captain Stubing from the "Love Boat"— true fans like you know him as Gavin MacLeod, but try not to let other people's ignorance of that insult you on this night.
   
   
8. Colostomy Bag — Could get a little messy if you plan on dancing on Halloween, but look on the bright side - no bathroom lines!
   
   
9. Little Bo Peep Transvestite (a perennial favorite) — You've lost your sheep and you look so damn cute in that bonnet!
   
   
10. Indie Music Store Employee — if you stay in character this will allow you to be a misanthropic asshole to everyone all night. Self-pitying girls will flock to you.

Now don't blow it, son. Set down that tube of barbecue Pringles, get your fat load off the couch, and devise a decent costume. And don't forget to throw eggs at any motherfucker's house who puts those orange circus peanuts in your trick-or-treat bag. Those things taste like rat feces.