MUST-SEE-TV TO CONTINUE THROUGHOUT NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST
by Smokey "Herb" Daley, Television Guru

With the impending nuclear holocaust nearly upon us, NBC has released a press statement to quell our fears citing "no matter how many times the world gets nuked over, Must-See-TV will carry on." Reiterating that NBC is not in favor of the destruction of the world...it's just that the Must-See-TV Thursday night prime-time line up is more vital to American sustanance than water itself and that 'Friends' is the number one comedy and top-rated 8 p.m. series on television.

The US government has also stepped in getting behind NBC's decision by channelling social security money into an emergency fund for when the inevitable mass-nuking takes place probably in the next year after World War III. The money would provide for re-constructing a small network of broadcasting antennae and wireless receivers along with the building of an underground studio so the filming of 'Friends' and "Will & Grace" could continue despite the dangerous radiation and nuclear fallout blanketing the earth.

"Obviously we realize this is a touchy issue but I think if you look at the numbers most Americans just can't get enough of their Must-See-TV. They may not care now but what are they going to do on Thursdays when they're in their bunker eating canned rations with nothing to do? Read a book?! Honestly, I think the premise of a nuclear war would make for a great story-line. There's some great comedy concepts there: Ross's atoms get vaporized, Chandler gets radiation poisoning but tries to hide it from Monica... Funny stuff.

The idea that human beings will become albino underground dwellers like the Morlocks that lived beneath the surface in H.G. Wells' The Time Machine thrills Gunther Payton, a Must-See-TV enthusiast who's been watching the broadcasts ever since the advertisements started telling him that he must see it. "Any excuse to not get off my ass is a good one." He also finds comfort in the idea that things like hilarious prime time comedy and televised sports take his mind off of the horrible reality of things like war, poverty and famine — "things I don't give a fuck-all about when I got my shoes off and feet kicked up on the La-Z-Boy." He then asked "Did you ever see the episode where Rosita dies? You know, Joey's chair? That one's terrific!"

Clearly if all humans perish during the nuking then there will be no one to watch Must See TV — A fact that NBC has already accounted for. "We created a line of robots years ago that are trained not only to broadcast Friends, Will & Grace, and E.R., but to watch them and laugh at them as well. This will be the true lasting legacy or our magnificent race!

In the not-too-distant future, as the wind whistles through the vast empty wasteland screaming through holes in the eroded rock that once was the lush surface of the earth, every seventh day, on Thursdays, an echo of ghostly laughter will fill the desolate night. That, and a bunch of cockroach noises. Whatever sound cockroaches make... Chirps and clicks I think.