THE THIRD ANNUAL EASYMIDGET POOR-MAN'S AWARDS
An EasyMidget gala extravaganza as reported by Willie Horton, Entertainment Director

You've heard it all before: One artist or entertainer sets the bar higher by creating groundbreaking work in their industry, consequently opening the door for the wannabes to bring up the rear and come in far, far under the bar. The goal of the Poor Man's Awards is to seek out those who try in vain to recreate the successful careers of those who came before them, and, while making a name for themselves, never quite reach that pinnacle of their craft they so crave.

In the Classic Rocker category, Bruce Springsteen was voted hands down a poor man's Bob Seger. For a time there seemed to be a popular opinion that Seger in fact was a poor man's Springsteen, but this speculation quickly died when it became apparent that Springsteen was from Jersey, completely ruining his chances. Springsteen was elated.

	Richard Dean Anderson and Scott Bakula were honored at the EasyMidget Poor Man's Award ceremony.

In the best lead actor of low-budget television and films category, Richard Dean Anderson got the nod as a poor man's Scott Bakula. Quite a tight race as last year it was Bakula who was a poor man's Dean Anderson. This was going to be the case again this year until Bakula got his new Star Trek series. There are many on the other hand, however, who believe that Major League 3: Back to the Minors speaks for itself.

In comedy, Carrot-Top stole the show by swiping the rights to "Poor-man's Gallagher". There was such an obvious similarity since they both were intolerable to watch and pulled things out of trunks. A no-brainer.

And of course Star with Best Personal Problems honors went right to AJ from Back Street Boys as a poor man's Robert Downey Jr. For the record, no one can touch Robert Downey Jr. Not now or for the next 10 years for that matter.

Comic genius Dom Deluise and decorating genius Christopher Lowell were also on hand to receive an award.

That gay interior decorator guy from the Discovery Channel was a surprise as he was nominated a poor man's Dom DeLuise. Critics poo-pooed the award citing the complete absence of Burt Reynolds' name on his resume. Some doubted he could even be counted in the same category as DeLuise. Despite the audience rejection, after accepting the award he still managed to spray-paint some macaroni noodles metallic silver and glued them onto his award. Good show we say!

For Best Supporting Hair in News Media, ESPN analyst Chis Berman's hair was widely accepted to be a poor man's Sam Donaldson's Hair, but it had never been put up to a formal vote. We can assure you he won the award! Not quite the caliber of a poor man's Ted Koppel's or Marv Albert's hair, but still deserving of an award nonetheless.

Craig T. Nelson is a poor man's Brian Denehy. This one was a shocker. Everyone knows Mr. T. Nelson's prior appearances on the Coach television series really hampers any sort of tough guy image that he's trying to scrape together, but apparently he needed to be watered down a bit in order to voted alongside Brian Denehy of TV mini-series fame. Consider it machismo with a touch of thought and heart. Bravo!

Many thought Gene Hackman would walk away with the Poor Man's Clint Eastwood, but their names were not announced all night.

The award show was a brilliant success. There were other nominees and winners but most tended to seem nonchalant about the whole process. The highlight of the evening was when Robert Stack climbed atop his dinner table and demanded a recount when he wasn't awarded the Lifetime Achievement poor man's Charlton Heston. Eventually he was coaxed down with an offer of cocktail weenies and strong drink. Although the EasyMidget Poor Man's Awards is still in its infancy it is now viewed as the vanguard of recognition of mediocrity in the modern entertainment industry. Pundits are already claiming The Onion to be a Poor Man's EasyMidget, but alas the hosts of the award ceremony are too humble. Here's to a successful show next year!

Editor's note — Thanks to Dan Elliott, who everyone knows is a poor man's Yaz Dalal for his insight on this article