BOMB THE DUTCH NOW!
by Carlito Olson

A few years ago I wrote a book entitled "Annex the Moon!" proposing that the United States make the moon its 51st state. The argument was simple. America landed on the moon before any other country. We put our little flag in the ground before any other nation put its little flag in the ground. Therefore the moon is ours.

Ours!

I proposed using a great projector to beam the American flag onto the face of the full moon. We should, I said, project shitty old Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin movies thousands of miles wide for the benefit of mankind. At night, the whole world could look to the sky and feel good knowing America was in control.

Strangely, several rogue nations voiced concern over my plan. Germany, England, Russia. (France objected until they heard about the Jerry Lewis movies). But the stinking Dutch – they made the most noise.

When the Dutch heard my idea of showing the Gypsy-girl sponge bath scene from Emmanuelle in Space: A World of Desire (complete with the whinnying horse background music) on the surface of the moon, they really lost it. They demanded we play Dutch movies, too, but then we reminded them that there are no Dutch movies.

What are we waiting for? Bomb the Dutch now!

The Dutch smell of wet carpet and old cabbage. The Dutch sacrifice babies in their national temples, also known as "windmills". The Dutch watch Falcon Crest reruns in droves.

In a recent Easymidget poll the Dutch were voted most likely to be confused by Snoop Dogg lyrics, most likely to wear a black turtleneck to a wine bar, most likely to believe in the Jamaican bobsledding team's chances of winning a medal at the winter games, and least likely to own a jacked up 4x4 truck with the slogan "BOMB THE DUTCH" painted across the tailgate.

All those pretty tulips do not fool me. Bomb the Dutch now!