JESSE VENTURA: IMBECILE OF THE MONTH
by Elliot Mess

Jesse "The Body" Ventura should be known more famously as "The Mind"

Usually when I do one of these imbecile-of-the-month pieces I go on a big inflated rant. Like the time I lost it after being subjected to that musical Evita — you know, the one with Madonna and Antonio Banderas. After that movie I chased a bottle of codeine tablets with a liter of vodka. No luck - a paraplegic homeless man pumped my stomach with his colostomy bag hose and I was back washing dishes at Denny's the next day.

This month, no rants about what a raging nitwit Jesse Ventura is. Instead, here is Mr. Ventura, "Socrates of the Midwest", in his own words:

"Anyway, I've done way more stupid things on alcohol than I have on pot."

"Women's wrestling can thank silicone. Breast implants are what make it popular. Before that, it was right up there with the midgets."

"I don't need a pay raise. I'll take money on the side if I need it."

"You know, I think as you get older you get more mellow… you don't settle things physically anymore."

"Every fat person says it's not their fault, that they have gland trouble. You know which gland? The saliva gland. They can't push away from the table."

	The Sexual Tyrannosaurus in action

"When I get up in the morning, all I have to do is brush my teeth and know how good-looking I am."

"We're going to give the press a ten minute head start, then that's what we're going to hunt."

"Being able to put two rounds into the same hole from 25 meters! That's gun control."

All of this reminds me of the time President Gerald Ford said, "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." So true. Just as true as Brooke Shields' famous dictum, "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

And what would a collection of quotes be without an entry by the blithering-est idiot to ever find himself in front of a microphone: Dan Quayle? There are so many gaffes on record that it was excruciatingly hard to choose one, so I conducted an office poll here at Easymidget headquarters and the overwhelming favorite was: "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."