GEORGE LUCAS STOLE STAR WARS FROM SETI
an EasyMidget Exclusive Conspiracy uncovered by Kurt Kazinsky

George Lucas: film-maker? I say George Lucas flim-flam man! If the emails I get and the guy I talk to on my ham radio are correct — then this makes for the most important conspiracy in the world of science fiction since it was revealed that William Shatner wears a corset. Yes, my friends, George Lucas stole Star Wars!

What if I told you that the trilogies released between 1977 and 1983 were not created in a Hollywood studio as Mr. Lucas would have you believe, but in fact, are actual transmissions received from space on SETI satellites? That's right - SETI — those dishes that are pointed towards outer space in hopes of hearing some glimmer of intelligent extraterrestrial life. Well, they finally sent us a message, only George Lucas never told anybody about it; he decided to cash in on it.

That's right, what you know to be the movie "Star Wars" is really a live transmission of actual events from a galaxy far, far away to earth. The only thing Lucas is actually responsible for creating was when he added that opening scene where the words scroll up into the blackness of space and that Ewoks cartoon series from the mid 1980s.

	Lucas, seen here in 1977, downloads Return of the Jedi in a remote field

In the late 1970s Lucas was a lowly nightshift janitor at NASA's Ames Research Center in Pasadena, California where his duties included changing wastebins and hand-scrubbing urinals. It was during a late night marijuana break that a stoned Lucas encountered some interesting activity on some computer equipment that wasn't being monitored by any scientists. Lucas had stumbled upon the transmission we know as "Star Wars." He promptly recorded the video over some old pornos he had on BetaMax in the back storage closet. Being a savvy industrialist, Lucas stole some high-tech gadgetry from the lab and set up makeshift listening devices at remote locations in Southern California, zeroing in on the coordinates of the original transmission. These sessions led to the taping of "The Empire Strikes Back" and "Return of the Jedi".

The fact that this actual footage sent from space also happens to be beautifully edited and has a panache for the dramatic is a moot point. I always said that If you sit a million monkeys at a typewriter you're bound to wind up with Hamlet at some point - so don't go saying that this is impossible.

Today, Lucas has the audacity to live in this enormous ranch that he's brazenly named "The Skywalker Ranch". Now that's humility for you! What's worse is that there are a number of Hollywood phonies who are wise to this whole scheme but are afraid to say anything because Lucas threatened them with a knife once at a party in 1982.

A SETI graph showing interstellar activity

It makes me so mad to listen to this guy drone on about special effects and the little fantasy world that "he created". What a ruse! What I find even more baffling is how he convinced a large group of actors to get cosmetic surgery to actually resemble the beings that we know as Luke, Han, and Leia to cover his ass.

The idea that somewhere a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away an amazing story took place involving laser battles, spaceships, and strange monsters seems less enchanting now that I know where it really came from. Its like getting a Christmas present when you're eight and then finding out there's no Santa Claus. Well, I'm just as pissed off as you guys, but I can't let a couple of magical nostalgic moments from my youth stand in the way of the Truth.

I'm not saying not to go see the new Star Wars trilogy, I'm just telling you to keep all this in the back of your head and don't get taken to the mind-cleaners!

Until the next conspiracy!