THE PROPHECIES OF MISS CLEO
by Miss Cleo, my babies!

Miss Cleo get her amazin psychic powers from da money, babies!

I-rey! Miss Cleo here an' I'm doin' mi-ghty fine, my babies! Many of you 'ave called in an' wondered why ya can't speak directly to me, Miss Cleo. Well— it obvious dat I can't talk to all of my babies at once! Me a powerful Shango Shaman but me not Jah 'imself! Let Cleo make it up ta ya! Please my babies put yer hand on da screen an' let Miss Cleo put yer business on front street! Me don' even need yer birf-day as long as me 'ave da tarot!

Miss Cleo - I'm flat broke. I used to work out of my home selling Pokemon collectibles, but the market's dried up. What am I to do?

— Ellie Timmerman
Dunkirk, MD

When me do da tarot readin's my babies — you may see just cards — Me see inframation! What me hearin' is da Nine of Cups is tellin Miss Cleo dat you will be lucky fee a while. Go out an' spend all yer monies on mah tarot readin's and den whatevers ya 'ave left spend it on da lottery tickets! Dis is da only way you will be happy my babies!

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Cleo, I love your show! I have a feeling that my boyfriend is cheating on me since I gained 100 pounds snacking on Twix. How do I know for sure??

— Confused in Idaho
Boise, ID

Miss Cleo is feelin' mi-ghty sexy tonight my babies! I put on mah best head-wrap fee my new television commercial an' me been gettin not'in' but compliments from da men. Mr. Miss Cleo would be jealous! But of course him is ruled by Taurus so me expect dat in da long-run. But as for you, my baby — there i'n't a day dat goes by where I don't say "dat man is cheatin' on you". Him slip up and you need ta get out of dis awful re-lationship an' keep on wit' your candy eatin'.

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	Many people believe dat da tarot is associated wit da human sacrifice but its only da chickens we be killin, honey!

Cleo- I feel like I'm at a dead end. What do I do?

— Ashamed in Grand Forks

Just like dat time when I told dat retarded boy dat he would never amount to anyt'ing, I t'ink its time dat you become truthful wit yourself, baby! Get on wit your life an' quit dat no-good job at da dildo factory!

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Miss Cleo, I don't need any advice, but I'd love to hear what your psychic powers say about my future!

— Tanya Harding
Mobile, AL

My babies - Today da tarot 'as told me what scent of car air freshener you will buy. It will be da red christmas tree dat smells like da strawberries, mon. Miss Cleo is neva lyin and dis be da truth!

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Well, my babies, Miss Cleo ain' no free ride. These revelations take a lot o' Cleo's energy. If you wan' hear more about da tarot den you need to call da toll free 800 number. Its easy and only cost $29.99 a minute! Just give me three days my babies - that's all I'm ask-in fee. Tonight Miss Cleo be goin' 'ome to puff on some sensie an get me new psychic visions. Me workin' on a new book dat will put Nostradamus 'imself ta shame!

An' don' be listenin' to dat "Crossin' Over" guy Jonathan Edwards. Me hear he say I look like da guy from Milli Vanilli in my headwrap. Dat man is not'in but a batti-boy an' we know it. Him don't read da tarot an' he as phony as da Jamaican bobsled team.

Easy Journey, babies!