THE CLUB SCENE
by Doug Douglas

Editor's Note: Martha Stewart, a longtime Easymidget friend, originally agreed to write this article. That became an impossibility when, by court order, she was sent to anger management therapy in mid-September.

Seal clubbers, like professional bowlers, do the essential work that keeps this great nation humming. The bowlers, of course, get all the perks: silk shirts, funky shoes, and huge paychecks. I know one guy who made so much dough on the professional bowling circuit that he was able to buy a Dodge Stratus. No shit.

But the world is so unfair. A no-talent bum like Tony Danza can parley his Loveable-Idiot shtick into a career spanning four decades and the seal clubbers can't even get a friendly pat on the bottom.

It's enough to make you think the government ought to impose some sort of compulsory seal clubbing curriculum into the public schools.

Seal clubbers are the best of the best. Remember serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer? He was not a seal clubber. See?

When I was a child, my father would wake me up by dumping a bucket of ice water on my head as I slept. He would poke me in the ribs and scream, "Wake up you little fucka! We're goin' to the beach." This may seem cruel, but children need to be introduced to the cold, hard realities of life at an early age, to prepare them for the mountain of pain and rejection they are going to experience over the course of their pointless lives.

Anyway, on the way to the beach, we'd go two quarts deep into a bottle of Wild Turkey. At the beach he would start smacking me around saying, "Don't you ever take no freakin shit from no-cocksuckin-body! In this life, some cocksucka thinks he's tough and wants to get in your face then you need to rip that cocksucka's cocksuckin face right off. You undastand?"

Then my old man would pull out a couple of Louisville Sluggers with nails pounded through the end and we would storm the beach like a couple of kamikazes blasting those water rats in the head. Just the two of us, a father and his son, without a care in the world.

Those were good times.