HOW WE STOLE THE SOARING EAGLE AWARD
by Pee Diddie

	An artist's representation of what it would be like to ride an eagle carrying the Soaring Eagle Award

Here it was damn-near Christmas and EasyMidget still hadn't won any of those "Association Awards" that you get for your webpage — you know that ones I'm talkin' about — Those bogus graphics that people with horrible web pages proudly display in groups of thirty on their home page.

We were mad, after all, our website was better than the thousands of 'Enrique Iglesias Shrine' webpages out there. After much research it was decided that what we really wanted was the Soaring Eagle Award from Geocities.

We were positive because we felt that we had met their requirements for winning the award:

1. How well does the site portray the spirit and / or theme of the Outdoors or nature?
EasyMidget contains references to homeless people (who are avid outdoorsmen), shitting in the woods, setting forests on fire, and oh yeah... bestiality.

2. Are there any broken images? Remember more does not necessarily mean better.
I don't know about broken images but we'll be sure to add plenty of images of eagles if it means getting the Soaring Eagle Award!

3. Is the site interesting to others? Does it have eye appeal?
Interesting? You betcha! We get calls from concerned religious groups and parental coalitions every day.

4. What makes the site original?
EasyMidget is the only website that advocates regular beatings for the elderly on their birthdays.

5. How well can you get around the site without getting "lost" or running into "dead ends"?
Most of our readers are drunks so we don't really put much effort into this part. Sorry.

6. Can the site be viewed by a variety of browsers? Does your site freeze when using any browser?
Please! We are members of the HTML writer's guild! We've sent in our monthly dues of $275 already!

The Soaring Eagle Award: The pinnacle of what EasyMidget strives for. We won it fair and square!

Unfortunately our quest was to no avail as the rigid standards of the Soaring Eagle Selection Committee failed to see us through. They said in an email that EasyMidget was "morally depraved" and "wasn't even about the Outdoors." Bollocks.

So finally we just decided to steal the award and post it on our site anyway. This is America and we deserve the Soaring Eagle Award. Now we are holding it ransom and we won't take it down off of our site until our demands are met:

OUR DEMANDS:

1. Firstly, all references to dancing bears, talking bears, cartoon bears, bears climbing trees, bears eating salmon, and bears mauling campers are to be stricken from all Soaring Eagle member sites for no other reason other than "bears must be banned."

	Joanne, lovely web-mistress of the Fishing in Wisconsin page and a previous recipient of the Soaring Eagle Award

2. Anyone applying for the Soaring Eagle Award must make a shiester film and let us turn it into a downloadable MPEG for viewing on EasyMidget.

3. All recipients of the Soaring Eagle Award (past and future) must, in addition to the Soaring Eagle, display EasyMidget's award of excellence: the Filthy Pigeon Award on their index page.

We think these are legitimate demands. We sent them a corresponding email stating that "If you do not meet our demands then we will continue to display the badge of the Soaring Eagle with wanton disregard for your concern."

So far we haven't heard anything back from them, but curiously we received a headless trout in the mail the other day with a lone eagle's feather jabbed into its underbelly.

That could be from anyone, though.