MY INTERNET DIVERSION
by Opruh Windfree

	Sweet Lola... uhhhhhhh...

When Lola, my blowup doll of nearly a decade, popped, I was angry and distraught. I called my parish priest to discuss my loss and to make funeral preparations. His reaction was baffling. The Catholic Church, he said, does not eulogize blowup dolls, nor does it counsel the grieving owner/partner. I was shocked. I wandered around for days, not knowing what I would do.

It was at this same time that I was sentenced to house arrest for a stalking conviction that had been handed down several weeks earlier. I had nothing to do but watch television and surf the net. And that's when I came across www.RentAPriest.com. For a mere one hundred bucks I was able to give my dear Lola eternal rest.

Speaking of religious matters, I stumbled across members.aol.com/rtvdave/pippi.html, which explains in vivid detail the methods Pippi Longstocking employs and why she is the Antichrist. Great website!

Sometimes you just need a good spanking. That's where Ouchy the Clown comes in. He is a dominatrix, disc jockey (specializing in "loungecore"), and meeting facilitator who lives in San Francisco. He helped me understand that my deep seeded desire to beat up and non-consensually shave Jehovah's Witnesses who come to my door is healthy and, indeed, needed in this society. Check out this site and begin to heal: www.OuchyTheClown.com.

www.KickBoxTheQueen.com is a site put together by a Canadian anti-monarchist who is challenging the Queen of England to a kickboxing match (or a math test) for the royal crown. Personally, I think he's outmatched.

Perhaps my favorite place on the entire net is www.engrish.com, a huge repository of hacked up English, mostly by Japanese businesses. For example, the side of one package reads:

This toy is being made for the extreme priority the good looks. The little part which suffocates when the sharp part which gets hurt is swallowed is contaminated generously. Only the person who can take responsibility by itself is to play.

Another reads:

Let's try homeparty fashionably and have a joyful chat with nice fellow. Fujinami's straw will produce you nice party happily and exceedingly.

Sublime.

In any case, I have a new blow up doll. It took an entire week to get her to my door. She arrived in discreet plain brown packaging with the words "HERE IS THE PORNOGRAPHIC MATERIAL YOU REQUESTED" in big black letters. My seven days of surfing the net were fun, yet bittersweet. They, like Lola, my old blowup doll are now fond memories in my life and I now look forward to humping Greta, my space-age plastic polymer sugar-pie.