THE LOVEDOCKTER IS IN...

The Lovedockter himself- Herbie Sweet

My dear friends, the path to a righteous and fulfilling life is right around the corner. Sometimes we need a little help from our friends. That's why I'm here for you— the Lovedockter.

I must say that this month I am overjoyed because I finally completed my Doctorate of Love degree through The St. Valentine's Correspondance School of Buffalo, NY. I feel smarter already! Now then, let's get to your letters...

Dear Lovedockter,
I am an avid practitioner of the ancient Japanese art of Kokigami, the wrapping of the penis in a paper costume. My penis has worn costumes of famous world figures like Winston Churchill and Moe from The Three Stooges. My wife has never had a problem with my hobby until several months ago when I constructed a paper rendition of Johnny Carson. She keeps telling me it looks like a monkey and she flatly refuses to touch it. What can I do?

Milton P.
Vera Cruz, CA

Johnny Carson will always look like a monkey. That's not about to change. And frankly, I'm surprised you are subjecting her to such a frightening effigy. Ed McMahon on the other hand...

Dear Lovedockter,
My boyfriend's scrotum has always been undersized and it is a point of embarrassment with him. He recently purchased a home scrotal infusion kit which includes a bottle of saline and some syringes. The idea, apparently, is to simply inject saline directly into the scrotum and voila. Do you know if this is safe?

Verne H.
Rochester, NY

Life can be confusing at times. Allow me to offer a bit of advice I first expounded upon in a book I wrote entitled The Definitive History of Monster Trucking: a scrotum is like a tonsil; it is useless and ought to be removed. Now I know I have been a big proponent of at-home plastic surgery and do-it-yourself root canals, but this is a different ballgame (no pun intended). Please tell your boyfriend to consult his physician or Southeast Asian herbalist before proceeding.

Dear Lovedockter,
I am soon to be initiated into the Church of Satan through a ritual sex ceremony to be held in my basement. I am thinking about serving a simple platter of crackers and assorted meats and cheeses. Is this too casual?

Janet J.
Salem, MA

Boy, times have sure changed. At my induction into the Society of Mexican Gynecology we had lobster tail, champagne, and chocolate cake in the form of a blastocyst. Good grief, do you wish to be a Satanist or not? If so, go the extra mile, do something classy and refined. Fire up the George Foreman grill and cook some animal flesh.

Dear Lovedockter,
I am a 31-year-old woman of Greek descent. Like all Greek women I have a thick black beard that requires bi-weekly waxing. Several weeks ago I fell very ill and was laid up in bed for ten days. My husband, who was out of town on business throughout my illness, returned home on the eighth day. Upon seeing my thick beard he flew into hysterics. He has been hiding in the attic with a shotgun ever since. Help!

Zorba Z.
Oklahoma City, OK

Your husband is engaged in what is known as a fear/flight response. It is perfectly normal. Greek women have been doing that to men for thousands of years. In fact, most of the great Greek tragic plays are based on female facial hair. Don't worry, eventually your husband will come to his senses and realize that the only way out is turning that shotgun upon himself.

Thank you my friends. Be sure to tune in next month. God bless!