CAST OF 'STOMP' STOMPS A GUY, TAKES WALLET
by Captain Arnold Kaminsky, NYPD

I've seen a lot of sick shit in my day as captain of the New York Police Department, but nothing as bad as the time the cast of Stomp beat and kicked a defenseless pedestrian to death for no reason.

They came out of nowhere, probably hopped up crystal meth like most criminals are, and they started shaking these match boxes all angrily up in this poor guy's face. The guy thought they were doing a street performance so he was laughing at first. He thought it was a joke right up until he got dropped with a metal can filled with beans that was being used as a maraca. The next thing he knows he hears this clanging and all these guys with buckets strapped to their feet just start kicking this poor fella's head in. Wouldn't you know it, a minute later a broom is being shoved up his ass to a rhythmic beat. I get this all from witness reports.

	A court-appointed artist's rendition of what the brutal stomping might have looked like.

There was blood and internal organs all over the sidewalk. Some old lady carrying her groceries home saw it and puked all over the crime scene. If you look at the grisly autopsy photos you can see bristles from the broom still stuck in the poor guy's ass. It was awful. Do you know how hard it is to dust for bucket prints on what was left of his face? From what I hear, after they rolled the guy they dashed down an alley still wearing the buckets on their feet.

How's that for twisted? I tell ya, I don't know what the world is coming to. Apparently they were just after the guy's wallet. God damned underpaid Broadway performers. Really if you ask me I blame it on that TV show from the 80s, "Fame." That's exactly what got to their heads- fame. After that show came out, every Broadway sissy-boy wanted to be the headliner; Everyone wants to be the next Brian Denehy.

The cast of Broadway smash, "Stomp" getting ready to take out their frustrations — in rhythm of course.

It was almost as sick as the time we busted up an afterparty for the show 'Cats'. There was blood all over the walls and floor when we showed up. All I can tell you is as soon as I entered the room I just about lost my lunch. There were three dead clowns lying in pools of blood and vomit and an Italian guy with a little accordion and a half-dead monkey twitching in the corner. I don't know what those sick fucks were up to, but we never were able to press charges. We really botched that case up!

To this day it makes me cringe when I hear tourists ask me what's a good show to see on Broadway. "Just go check out Bed Sty," I says. "Its more family oriented."