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HOLIDAY HO-HO-HOES by Lorna Dune, staff hooker expert Well friends, this time of year we always hear holiday greetings from people like children or important celebrities, but how often do the ladies of the night that drive urban economies ever get a chance to give you a little pick-me-up? Well, we caught up with some of our favorite street-hardened hoes and asked them to enlighten us with some holiday zen:
	"All my clients tonight thought that the candy-cane I put up my ass was really classy. I do it every December. Merry Christmas."
	"Last night Santa came riding down the street on his sleigh and asked for a hand job. When I was done he gave me his entire bag of toys. Later on I woke up in a pile of trash in an alley and realized I was just having a crack-induced hallucination."
	"I like to make snow angels in vacant lots to cool down my ass after being spanked raw for 30 minutes."
	"Tonight I watched "Its a Wonderful Life" and then I went out and contracted chlamydia. I thought that was ironically funny...Happy Holidays!"
	"I've dedicated my last ten tricks to the victims of the 9-11 disaster. My pimp Cleo started a fund. He said he'd tell the IRS later on. I just hope the world is at peace this Christmas."
	"People think I look a lot like Scott Stapp, the lead singer from Creed. Fred Durst likes to pick me up on occasion to take out his frustrations on me. One time he even gave me a ride in his limo!"
	"A lot of people say I look like a beat up whore and that gives me a feeling of accomplishment! Finally, I am somebody!"
	"Some guy pulled up in a cadillac the other night and asked when they were doing the casting for "Lord of the Rings." He said I'd make a good hobbit. So I got that goin' for me... which is nice."
	"Some kids decided to do some Christmas caroling by my motel room while I was doing this guy with a gimp leg. It really got me in the spirit and took my mind off of work."
	"Merry Christmas to my best customer, Eddie Murphy! I love you Eddie!"
Now that's spiffy! Its too bad you can't buy gift certificates for friends and family for this sort of thing. At least prostitutes haven't sold out commercially yet. Maybe next Christmas, God willing.

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